My Vagina

Maybe it's my period but today I'm home sick.  I almost fainted so I opted to stay home and be gross here.  I was thinking about the book The Vagina Monologues today.  Not sure exactly why that popped in my head but I'm sure it had something to do with my own vagina who's being a total C word right now.  Anyway, I read most of the book a long time ago and there was a part or two asking about your vagina's personality.  "If your vagina could talk what would it say?"  "If your vagina could get dressed what would it wear?"  WTF?  I get that it's to empower women about their sexuality, much like those weird parties in the 70's and 80's where you squatted over a mirror and took a look at old Tootsie Bell.  I wonder how many of our Mom's went to those "Tupperware" parties?  

Let me just say that I've not been to University and I don't have a big psychology degree but I am a lesbian...so that kind of makes me an expert on Vagina Studies.  I am also an expert at being a woman...and we all have our issues.  I don't get why giving your vagina her own personality and issues is helpful.  Then you have two women (unless you have given your vagina a man personality) with body issues.  Lets talk about having a vagina with a man personality.  Think about a straight guy.  He may have some body issues but honestly he's so fuckin happy to get laid he keeps that to himself and just goes for it.  I can honestly remember feeling not so bad about 10 years ago and doing the same once or twice.  (There was this baseball tournament...it was lesbian heaven.)  Anyway, now I've actually turned away from advances due to body issues.  I don't need to stand over a mirror to get some self esteem back either, *shivers* we are way past that.

I am thinking the older I get the more accepting I get.  I remember being 25 with a huge long list of the things Miss Right Now should have.  The list was long and impossible for any one to hit more then 5 things on it.  These days my list is down to breathing and employed.  I'm starting to think employed is asking a bit too much.  Maybe living off a good package or at the top of the EI amount?  I'm about ready to take anyone.  

That brings us back to my vagina.  Much like my own alias my vagina's name is Robin.  She's a shy girl who hates long hair, pants and salad.  She is an introvert looking for someone special to bust in and shake things up.  (Not literally Shaun).  I think if she could talk she would say "Stop looking at me."  As for what she would wear.  Shorts, sandals and one of the T-shirt attached.  

Bad Ass

You totally know your a bad ass when you air guitar to Mary Chapin Carpenter.  Yeah...that is how I'm spending my Sunday night.  In my defence I have my period...so...yeah.

For the past few weeks I've been feeling so disconnected with some friends causing me to review our friendship.  I keep trying to be understanding and positive, but there is just so much sunshine I can blow up my own ass.  My back hurts and I don't really bend that way.  

Tonight I was listening to Mary Chapin and thinking...she's one of those lady singers that you can't help but listen to and be touched in some way.  Lame as it sounds but I was listening to the song Quittin Time.  It's about ending a relationship and in a way with what I feel that I'm watching and feeling myself, needless to day it applies.

Stupid rain and stupid period has made me this way tonight.  Don't worry...I will be back to normal soon.  Until then, can I just say that life is too short to not take a moment to maintain the wonderful things that drew you to someone special.  Don't take advantage of a friends love...


Hey baby tell me what we're gonna do
It's getting crazy and I need some help from you
We were so connected that you were a part of me
Now I feel an emptiness right to the heart of me

But you pretend and I pretend
That everything is fine
And though we should be at an end
It's so hard admittin'
When it's quittin' time

Hey baby I'm running out of things to say
Please don't hate me this feeling just won't go away
Now we're spending all our time caught in a fantasy
Just trying to keep in mind the way it used to be

But you pretend and I pretend
That everything is fine
And though we should be at an end
It's so hard admittin'
When it's quittin' time

But you pretend and I pretend
That everything is fine
And though we should be at an end
It's so hard admittin'
When it's quittin' time

PMS at it's best??

You know when something bad happens and it shocks your body?  You feel this pain in your chest and try and hold it together.  Right now I feel like I’m walking up stairs holding in the biggest messiest shit anyone has ever taken.  Can’t walk to fast or you will work it out, can’t go too slow cause people will know what’s up with your ass.  I’m covered in sweat trying to breathe and make it to the bathroom in time.  It’s not looking good right now at all for that.  Why?  Period poops.  And…I’ve just shit.  Shit flowing all over and I can hardly keep up with the flow.  This would all be emotionally speaking of course.  My pants, if I was wearing any, are free from any fecal matter.

I’ve had a hard go the last few weeks.  Emotionally that is.  I’m trying to figure out why.  My immaturity or lack of ability to deal with my feelings in a non eating, making jokes and crying thus producing enough snot to put any glue company out of business.  I don’t think I’ve mentioned that I’m an ugly crier and can make snot in 2.7 seconds.  I don’t mean “oh, my nose is running.”  I mean full on sinus congestion that would baffle the leading ear, nose and throat experts in the country.  It’s not sexy.  Fairly sure I should know by now to have that nose spray on hand to avoid the rest of my day being filled with grossness.  This would be why I never watch chick flicks with woman I’m interested in. 

So today I’ve made the executive decision to stay at home this afternoon, blog out some feelings (without graphics) and turn my frustration into bleaching the shit out of this house.  I’m guessing if I stay on track this will be 50 pages and my house will be amazingly clean.  I might end up taking a serious turn here and sadly you will be roped into my own processing and therapy.  Sorry in advance…maybe alter your snack or get more food.  This could be a long one.

Let’s start with a question.  When a friendship is literally sucking the life out of you, what do you do?  Do you wait it out and see if things change or do you say “Nice working with you” and move on.  Right now I’m sticking with the first one.  Why?  Well, despite being sucked so dry I’m moisturizing twice a day the friend in need is in a crisis of their own.  I feel like despite my feelings of total neglect and being used that I would be leaving a sinking ship with people yelling for help on it.  Or like when a spouse is diagnosed with a terrible illness and the other person says “Yeah, didn’t sign up for this…so I’m gonna go.”  If we knew that person we would all hate that person.  Then again have we all known the opposite??  “I don’t know how they stick it out; they are so brave and wonderful.  I couldn’t do it.”  Who hasn’t said “I couldn’t do it” a 1000 times?  Well, in this case I’ve done it and I don’t see a fucking medal.  No parade with costumes, candy and BBQ at the end.  Nothing.  Wait…that’s not true.  I’ve had a lot of great memories and moments…but when you’re exhausted who can see that.  You need time to remember why you were there to begin with.  Sadly, I don’t think I can ask for that time.  I may just have to be the coward and bow out for a bit. 

The older I get the more I realize that you create your own life and the people you want in it.  We are stuck with family but the rest of the people are open season.  I have people in my life, wonderful friends who I wouldn’t know what to do without at times.  These are not those people and have not been for some time. 

Can I just say that while I was writing this and having a pity party I got a sign from baby Jesus himself??  So, I’m down in the dumps when I had the opportunity on the Twitter to have…wait for it…Jann Arden follow me.  I took it and now…wait for it…Jann Arden is following this snot filled bitch on twitter!  I will have to step up the jokes and funny lines.  This is a sign that when life hands you fucked up bitches, there is always a Canadian Singer waiting to follow you on Twitter! 

This post is bi-polar and I love it.

Support

I wanted to give a shout out to one of my biggest supporters with my blog and my jokes. 

Happy Birthday to Katherine who encouraged me to write my blog and gotten me a few new followers.

Thank you for making work fun and getting my smart ass jokes.

Happy Birthday!

R

Hugs

Today and yesterday there were several moments when I wanted a hug.  Not a short quick one but a good 20 to 40 second one.  I think when your stressed or sad it should be like that moment in Waiting to Exhale.  Without the love and stuff.  When you hug someone all that bad energy weighing you down either goes up or gets sucked into the other person for all I care.  But, for a moment or two that hug takes it away.  Basic human contact.

As a single girl getting a hug is almost impossible.  If I didn't work with a few huggie people I may never get a hug.  I think one of the people I work with gets this and give up hugs like they are candy at Halloween.  It's not a sexual thing at all, it's just understanding that rather then being a bitch, getting drunk or whatever your vice is you give it up for a few moments.  As I don't have someone to come home to I can't just walk in the door and say "I need a hug" or give one when asked.  When life gets a little much this would be nice.  The older I get the more I realize you really do have to ask for what you want and let people know what you expect and need.  Playing a guessing game doesn't do anything.

Why am I being so deep?  Aside from popping a huge zit in my armpit today I've watched a few friends with struggles.  I don't share many of mine but listening to a few close friends and sharing their pain and to be selfish, how it will effect my life has been a bit of a downer and drain the last week.  I am an only child after all so I kind of need to know how it's going to play out for me.  After that, I can help you out. 

I wonder sometimes if "special" people who run up and give everyone hugs are happier.  They don't seem to have any worries in the world when they are grabbing you up for a big hug.  I wonder if we all just grabbed each other for a hug...

I do want to just say that these hugs are just hugs.  Not bill 168 hugs.  Just nice non rubbing dirties together hugs. 

Changing of the blanket

Almost 20 years ago as a teen I fell in love.  Sometimes you see it...and you know it.  It belongs to you and you belong to it.  I am of course talking about my ugly yet much loved blanket.  I have not named it or anything but it's just always just been there.  Replaced here and there for a duvet in the cold but right back when weather permits.  I should say that years ago I saw this homely blanket in the JC Penny catalogue and begged my mother for weeks to order it.  When it came it was perfect!  Perfect for my budding lesbian hormones with it's flannel feel and checks.  I'd attach a photo but I don't want to be fully judged.  Anyway, the feel of it and the weight of it was perfect and has been perfect for years.  It fits perfectly into a duvet cover so no one knows just how ugly it is.

The last month despite being hot at times at night I was getting colder and colder.  Also, the blanket was getting more used looking then a Dundas and English street hooker the day after cheque day.  It wasn't great.  Yesterday as I was washing my bedding it hit me that when I was unemployed I bought a Nate Burkus blanket that was packed away upstairs.  It was a king size impulse by and did I mention was marked down from 100 bucks to 25.  I put it in the dryer for 20 minutes with half a bounce sheet and waited to see how I would feel about changing.  As I made my bed up I avoided eye contact with my old blanket...half hanging out of a duvet cover.  It looked like it was trying to crawl out between the buttons...begging for another chance.

Needless to say I've had two amazing naps this weekend with my new blanket as well as one good nights sleep.  It's not too warm or heavy and can be turned two ways.  Not sure what goes with the rustic orange but at this point its all new so it doesn't matter.  I have yet to pick up my old blanket.  I know that after all these years it has now been down graded to a company blanket or for the kids when they sleep over.  That's kind of sad considering almost every woman I've had sex with has been on or under that blanket.  I might omit that should anyone ask. 

Vagina Music

Tomorrow is a big day for me.  I get to scratch something off my bucket list!  I am going to leave early and meet Jann Arden with my best friends.  Super excited.  I have always loved Jann and her take on life.  Yesterday when I was home sick *cough cough* I ran to Coles and got a copy.  I had also ordered a copy but that has yet to come and I could not wait...I love her that much.

I hate Vagina Music.  I'm not very lesbian that way.  I openly laugh at CD's like Women in Song and Lilith Fair.  I only like Melissa Etheridge early on before she was all gay and open about it.  There is just something about being super mega female that scares me.  I have never dated but am intrigued by those lesbians who believe in sister hood and non shaving of anything.  Years ago I saw a pair of them at Call the office.  Hairy pits, short hair and more pride then a semi professional drag queen.  They were so in love with each other.  All young, full of hope and body smells.  I don't think I've ever been in love enough with anyone to be OK with that much body hair.  I didn't even want to think of their early 20's snatches.  I'm guessing if they had no time to find shirts with sleeves or deodorant shaving tootsie belle was not something they were into.

I know a couple in their late 40's who think it's gross to shave tootsie belle.  (I am calling the vagina tootsie belle as this is how my Nana referred to mine.)  Now they seem to believe that shaving is somehow making your tootsie like that of a childs.  Looking at these two old married lesbian I am picturing them dry humping stuck together like Velcro shoes.  They are so against it that in the 10 years they have been married I don't think they have done more then a light trim.  I gag at the thoughts of that dueling hot mess!

So, I've scrubbed, shaved and moisturized.  Tomorrow I will be feeling like I'm at my best with no dead skin when I meet Jann.  I plan on saying something witty but with my luck will catch sight of cleavage and mumble something stupid about toes as I hand her my book.

Lets hope that does not happen...but it might.