New Year

I feel like I need to make the first blog of the year a good one.  I’ve done three different topics so far and I’m not really feeling good about any of them.  I’m a little scattered right now.  Maybe because I had some therapy yesterday.  How’s Gen X of me to blog about my therapy session.  Anyway, the one thing that I realized, well was realized for me, is that right now I feel like I have no control over a lot going on in my life.  With no job I’ve kind of lost my focus.  

I didn’t like a lot of what I was made to think about yesterday.  I tend to shut down after therapy so I can think about what was said.  I’ve opted to take my time thinking about it and haven’t really let it all in even today.  This weekend is busy and now that I’m in the quiet of the house with the pets snoring and my husband pants on I might try to get in a clear head space and think.  A friend gave me the head space talk not long ago, it was nice to put a name to spending time not talking to anyone so you can think.  Talking about issues and feelings can open up a lot of doors and make you see things you have been either looking away from or even running from. 

I’m sure everyone was expecting a list of my resolutions.  Most never change like lose weight, be a better person, try new things and maybe not eat meat again.  I think I’ve broken all of these a few times this year.  It was a bit of a mess of fun, heartbreak and joy.  Every year should have all three of those things.  Yes, even with heartbreak.  Without a few tears we wouldn’t appreciate who we are and what truly does make us happy and full. 

So rather then what I want out of this year I’m going to do a best and worst of 2012. 

The Best

How could it be anything but my addition to the house?  Adopting Norman Earl has been such a wonderful addition to my life.  I didn’t realize how much I missed Maggie and the love a dog in the house provides.  I was so worried about how Fred would react to sharing me but now that we have been a little family for 2 months I still am in awe with how great they get along.  Fred is almost twice the size of Norm and despite Norm sticking his nose up his ass, licking him, chasing him and sleeping with his head up his ass Fred has never raised a paw to him.  It’s like it’s beneath him to hurt the stupid little dog.  Amazing. 

The Worst

This one is a bit of a close call.  I would have to say actually being diagnosed with diabetes is worse than losing my job.  But they have a lot in common.

1. I knew I was going to be losing my job.  There was always hope that something would turn around and I would just slide into another position.  That didn’t happen to the shock of co-workers and a little by myself.  There is hope for the future with going back.  Oddly kind of the same thing happened with diabetes.  I’ve been warned for years about getting it and when it happened...well I was still shocked.  
2. When I was given the news about the diabetes I put on a funny face and embraced it.  My awesome friend made sure I knew what I was doing with blood testing and I put on a good diet and walked a little more to lose some weight.  Then, it hit me that this was going to be my life.  Checking blood, watching sugars, checking my feet and now getting this weird film on my hair.  After the news wore into me, there have been tears and some weight gain.  With losing my job I joked about it a lot.  On my last day when people were upset I was leaving and I had people from other floors coming down to say goodbye I managed to hold it together.  Then my wonderful work Mom hugged me so tight and made me feel so loved.  We both cried and I really couldn’t hold it together.  It was a bad night.  Later she and I talked about why my leaving made her so emotional.  Turns out I was the first person to make her feel welcomed when she started. 
3. So with the Christmas holidays I didn’t really do much job searching.  It’s a shit time of year is next to impossible to try and find that next great new job.  So I’ve been on staycation doing random stuff but nothing too amazing to speak of.  I should be writing more.  Same is true with the diabetes. Who the fuck can watch their diet with pie, deserts, awesome dips and not to mention my mother’s cooking.  Bless her. 

So, basically here i am starting the New Year the way I ended it.  Unemployed and a little heavier.  Amazing.  So in the New Year I plan on doing the following.

1. Lose weight / get healthier.  How can this not be number one?  It’s much needed and one of those things l clearly need to focus on. 
2. Be a better person.  With my new found knowledge about myself I plan to take care of myself, be honest with myself and care of others the best way I can. 
3. Try new things.  I plan on being ok with making more of a fool of myself.  Yes, this could very well mean finally doing stand up.
4. NEST!  I plan on using more of my house.    This is one of those things that is always on my mind but I never know where to start.  I think during my time off I need to step it up and for sure do something with the upstairs of my house and my bedroom.  Good lord!  It’s in need of a paint job. 

Good luck to us all with making this year awesome!

After Christmas too much time thoughts

I think my body is craving healthy food.  I have felt sick for the last day with dry heaves and a little puke here and there.  Puke is not great for the diabetes as it messes royally with your sugars so I need to learn a little about that via the good people at google.  Anyway, my “holiday” has been great as far as food has gone.  I have fallen so far off the meat wagon that my body might shut down the next time it sees kale.  Too little too late?  Anyway, I feel gross.  I love my mothers cooking.  Now that I’ve had to fen for myself for so long I would not mind if she wanted to come here and cook for me all the time.  If I didn’t gain weight over it.  That woman missed her calling.  She makes gravy that will make your heart sing.  I love when she stirs the pot (literally) and turns to me with a sly grin and says “It’s just like pudding.”  That’s when you know it’s going to be good. 

I had a hard time getting out of bed today.  Fred came in at five but after that the alarm went off at 6:30 for half an hour before I could get out of bed to get Norman fed and out.  Down the street we went until he did his usual 3 tootsie roll poop.  When we turned back for home I noticed our foot prints.  Mine and his  alone in the fresh snow.  Despite holding back the urge to vomit, it was one of the sweetest moments I’ve had with him.  Just him and I walking in the snow, big feet and tiny feet.  There is something to be said for that.  Having someone to depend on me.  I think people with kids take that for granted sometimes.  I don’t have kids so for the next however long Fred and Norman Earl are it for me as far as keeping me grounded.

I’ve struggled a lot this holiday season with not working.  It makes me feel a little lost in what I want for the rest of my life.  I’ve missed writing both the blog and jokes.  I need to do both if only for myself but to keep my foot in the door with being creative.  We all have our things I guess.  I don’t think I could spend much time with someone who didn’t have a passion for something creative.  I can’t see someone really wanting to spend time with someone so introverted who needed the space to create and look inward so much.  It’s frustrating for a lot of people who maybe don’t share the same interest.  People seem interested in the end product like the fun blog or a well written joke but the struggle to get there isn’t that fun.  It’s not easy putting pen to paper...or sitting here half nude trying to organize a million thoughts into one or two things to write about. 

I sometimes wonder if I can balance my mind and my life into actually producing something worth reading for the general public.  My English sucks but since I was about 13 I’ve had outlines of characters and stories that I have wanted to write.  I outline whole plots and then move on to the next story idea.  I bet if I could focus I could be on my 10^th book by now.  Every story contains something I find fascinating and want to learn more about.  One is set with a family running a generational funeral home, a reporter who leaves her husband to pursue her dream job and of course being such a Dallas fan a huge sweeping series of a very large rich dysfunctional family.  I picture that one being a made for tv series with all the drama of Dallas with a splash of Days of Our lives. 

Anyway, I’m gross today and thank god for pets who sleep all day.  Chances are I will finish the book my mom loaned me for Christmas and start another one.  As I read on the toilet I will be thinking about maybe someday someone with the mad scoots sitting on the toilet reading a book I wrote to pass the time.  I hope they get lost in it and get hemorrhoids or anal ripping from it being that good. 

Update??

Not sure why I’ve not blogged more.  I’m off work and don’t really have anything big going on.  To say I’m bored is a bit of an understatement.  The fridge has been scrubbed out, laundry is almost always fully up to date and this week I had 7 bags of garbage.  I do have some big projects I could be doing, like painting my bedroom and doing a huge almost a hoarder clean out of my basement and storage area upstairs.  Today, it’s not going to happen.

It’s 3 pm and I’ve yet to shower or nap.  Yes, I nap almost daily and you would think that would be very high on my list of things to do today since it’s cold and rainy.  Instead I listened to music, took almost 4 hours to do my cover letter for a job at work, talked for an hour on the phone with a friend, emptied the dishwasher, bleached the counter tops and thought about what to make for date night dinner.  I should feel unemployed tired.  Instead I feel restless.   I don’t know what I want to do, but I know I have a lot to do. 

Christmas often does that to me.  I like to kind of hibernate around this time of year, staying out of the way of people who love to run around shopping and hitting every sale.  I do enjoy watching them run around making everything perfect for those who either expect more and more of people like me who just don’t get it.  I remember when it was about spending time together and maybe making the time to do something fun, not spending hours in a mall finding what we think is the perfect gift only to be disappointed with the reaction that doesn’t match the one we had in our heads.  I know, I sound like a cynical bitch but I do have a leg to stand on. 

I don’t feel this way because I’ve not showered and smell a little like last night’s Christmas party chicken wings and BO.  I am a people watcher by nature.  I have spent the better part of my life watching people in many situations and how they try so hard only to disappoint themselves.  This year I can’t really afford much of anything for my parents.  That disappoints me but I’ve managed to realize that the 20 seconds it takes  my parents to open a gift could mean something has to give around the house.  Besides, what do you give people who can go out and get whatever they want or need? Every year I get more and more frustrated with what to get the old people.  Honestly, if I was rich I could ship them off on a cruise or some golf adventure.  But slippers and chocolate it is.  They will be fine with it, however when your parents have done so much for you and your friends over the years slippers don’t cut it.

I suppose I should loose this funk by Christmas.  By the funk I mean my mood and not the cheesy smell that hit me when I raised my arm to scratch my head. 

Cool quiet and time to think....

There is something wonderful about my house at 6 am.  Fred came in at 5 and is sleeping in his chair all curled up, Norman Earl is still in my bed until I drag him out like a tiny protester.  Basement girl is working and I’m totally alone.  The only noise is the heat turning on and off and wiener dog snoring from the next room.  I almost wish I drank coffee so the smell of that was in the house all comforting like when I was a kid.  Minus the smell of smoke and either my mom or Nana coughing a little.

I bet this is the time of day parents look forward to.  Hearing the house all quiet, sleeping kids and enjoying the calm before the storm.  I have a friend with 5 kids, the last two were twin girls who look like they are plotting to take over the world.  I bet she would love how quiet my house is today. 

I’ve talked to a few people about how much I enjoy solitude.  Most either really get it or pretend to get it but don’t really.  I think to really get it you have to really be comfortable with not really caring what people think.  I think my love for being alone is the most comfortable  I am with myself.  When I get challenged on it I tend to get a little defensive about it.  When you have come a long way with being comfort able with yourself, people challenging you about that difference feels horrible.  It’s almost like when you tell people you are gay and they ask tons of questions like “How do you know?  Have you been with a man?  No.  Then are you sure?”  It’s a little frustrating.  I don’t like defending my attraction to vagina...or being alone. 

I think we all have a little something about ourselves we don’t want to explain, defend or have judged and even if it is a little fucked up or not the norm it’s part of us.  It may even be that part of us that we protect the best we can.  So I guess my point is before you bust someone’s balls about a little quirk, maybe make sure it’s not tied into the best part of their day.   

Stress

A few weeks back I had to do a presentation at work about Stress in the work place.  I like to think that I was chosen to do this because I was handling my impending unemployment so well that I was going to be an example of calm, cool and collected.  The reality is that tomorrow I am done working at the best job I’ve ever had.  How can I not be stressed and a little sad?

Today I had a full one hour massage and after 15 minutes of chat at the beginning I managed to zone right out for 20 ish minutes.  I didn’t talk, didn’t think and just enjoyed my ultra tense muscles being gently stretched out.  Toward the end of my zone out I began thinking of the things I’ve not done lately that release my stress.  I realized I’ve kind of lost myself with so much going on the last few months and now the stress of job loss has made me wound tighter then Lindsay Lohan in front of a pile of coke.  I don’t know what to do first!

A friend reminded me how much I have been though the last 6 months.  Diabetes, break up, friendship ending, huge job stress, new relationship, new dog and now a job that I love ending.  It’s been a lot to think about and really I’ve semi jumped from one thing to the other without a lot of processing time.  As an introvert I do need my time to really process things.  Maybe having some forced time off is the lords way of saying, “get it together and take care of yourself.” 

Basement Girl encouraged me to make a list of things I needed to do and wanted to do during my time off.  I have tons of things I need to be doing around the house and the high light being painting my bedroom which needs to be swanked up badly.  Then there is a good friend in the hospital to see, my father to spend time with, tea with a very connected friend and all the job searching. 

I have a lot of people wanting to help me with anything really, all I have to do is ask.  Right now I just need to figure out going from working without a vacation all year to having time off.  From seeing great people every day to spending days on end possibly with just Fred and Norman Earl.  The one thing I do know is that it felt good to write a little something.  I really needed to turn back on my creativity.