Bad Juju

	Definition from Urban Dictionary (Where else would I look?) Haunted by a bad vibe or aura. Can be used as a noun or an adjective. “Now that place had some bad juju.” In answer to a question about what someone thought of a person place or thing one could answer, "bad juju".

So I have decided that my bedroom has some serious bad Juju.  There are a few reasons for this clearly over dramatic realization but needless to say changes need to be made.  I wouldn’t say there is a spirit of a demon or anything in there but I think I’ve fucked with the feng shui and really just not created what I want for that room.  I know many people out there hate Oprah but the one thing I remember her saying while talking about home, (yes...I’m carrying Oprah’s words in my soul) is that “your home should rise up to meet you.”  Well my bedroom trips you and penetrates you without the benefit of any lube.  Here is a list of why in no particular order.

1.       Paint job.  I don’t fully hate the color.  It’s called Ritz Cracker.  Ok, I chose it because that’s a cool ass name for a paint color.  Anyway, I now hate the color but due to the shitty uneven walls and corners the cutting in and painting close to the ceiling looks like Stevie Wonder with Parkinson’s painted it.  That bad.  I lay in bed at night when the light is on and laugh...

2.       Stuff.  My bedroom is not a big room and with a queen size bed 80% of it is taken up with workbench.  Add in a dresser and a smaller night stand used as underwear storage...there goes another 15.  Then I have a tall bedside stand.  So, there goes my 100%. 

3.       The Bed.  I really think that when a big girls likes other big girls the owner of the big girl bed should invest in a good bed.  Something that will last the test of time...and big girls.  My bed is about 7 years old and thanks to my ars has worn out on my side while the visitor side is ok but has a bit of an incline that causing rolling over to my side.  I’ve been trying to switch sides but that has gone about as well as me switching to penis.

4.       The mood.  Right now my room is messy and there really is no mood.  My small bedside table with underwear and socks is covered with clothes.  Under the clothes is a Buddha with some candle holders.  This would be a great mood to set, if my collection of unemployed clothes were not smothering poor Buddha.  (This could be totally effecting my juju on a spiritual level.) 

So I have devised a plan.  At some point I will get back to work and I will also have some tax money coming my way so I have opted to invest in a really good bed.  Before that happens I need to get the room ready.  Here are a few plans.  Again, the order might change.

1.       Space.  Something had to give in this house and I’m sure as hell going to get back my good juju one room at a time.  So, because I’m writing to you from the laptop in the dining room its time that I think about my small den as more of a functional space.  So I will be getting rid of my hard drive (it’s shit) and my desk.  That space will then become free for my white dresser to go into.  That will free up some space in both rooms. 

2.       Paint.  I suck at picking paint colours.  I don’t know what my issue is but my bedroom was once what I thought was going to be a popular calm pear green.  It turned out to be long suffering mucus pneumonia spit up infection.  My living room and dining room were suppose to be a beautiful “cottage” blue.  This turned out to be “we are having a boy” deep baby blue.  I picked that color after a huge loss in my life.  This time I have my wits about me and have fallen in love with grey.  I don’t know fully if I will be going light as in my living room or a bit more of a slate grey but I know it will be making an appearance.  I also would really like an accent wall.  Maybe not one that is totally visible from the hall but one that I can enjoy laying in bed. 

3.       Mood.  With a little more space the bedroom will be a little more airy, so I will have to go with this and maybe give up my two pictures.  Both are of nondescript European streets and were bought during one of my phases.  I don’t know if I can work with them in my “vision” but either way I do want to have one or two things on my walls to set a new tone.  Like any good gay I do have a picture of a half naked lady.  I could work that into something.  Either way, to get the juju back I need to step it up.

4.       The Bed.  When I manage to swangle getting a new bed I plan to go back to that person from a few years ago.  Back in the day bedding mattered to me.  I paid close attention to thread counts like a fat kid watching cake.  I opened packages in stores and jammed my tiny yet thick hand in to make sure they were soft enough.  I still morn a set of sheets I had years ago.  They were so soft and thin.  I bet they lasted 8 years and this was in my 20’s during some of my most action and when I played lesbian baseball and had some semi steady relationships.  Anyway, I need a comfortable bed. When I find and can afford said bed I think the room will be fully ready.  Until then I can get it ready. 

I think you can create your own reality.  If you put some effort into a situation you can change it.  I’m determined, for myself, to change the creepy vibe in my bedroom and make it rise up to meet me. 

Support

I’ve reached a new phase in my life.  I now have to moisturize my hips before bed.  Let me explain that this time of year my skin is super dry due to the weather and my love of hot showers.  So, I get a little dry and tight.  As a side sleeper I hop into bed, get situated and then the feeling hits me.  It’s like a dry itch I attempt to ignore but the neurotic part of me pictures little bugs aggressively biting me since I’ve pinned them down under my weight.  I lay there for a while thinking I’ve got bed bugs then convince myself that I’m fine and to go to sleep.  If the dry itch is really bad I turn over to my other side and repeat.  A sane person would itch but for me I feel like it will make the itching worse.  So, I’m going to shoot to be even more sane and pre-moisturize my hips before bed.  No more going to bed thinking I’m going to be devoured by bedbugs and then judged for having bed bugs. 

Now that you are all wondering why you even bother to read my blog, let’s get down to business.  I went into work the other day and left with a huge full binder for my course with my reading.  I have to say carting the 10 lbs around downtown for the rest of the day made me a little worried about the course but I know I have amazing supports should I get into trouble.  I guess I like that about my life.  I have amazing friends and support in different pockets in my life.  Work friends who have become a bit of a fun work family, old friends I’ve connected with over the last year who I’ve not missed a beat with and an amazing friend who has my back no matter what.  I really am truly blessed. 

I love my pockets of friends.  They all seem to add something the others don’t.  I mean that they all seem to have their own gifts in my life.  Take my most uncomplicated friendship with Rex (name changed to protect the innocent.)  He is like the little brother I would have had should that pregnancy test I found in the bathroom garbage in Grade 8 (thanks Mom) been positive.    Wait...I think that kid would be older.  Never mind.  Anyway, our friendship is about uncomplicated dude stuff.  Conversations about chicks, food, comedy shows and life.  Unlike chicks we don’t dig deep into the “why’s” of our issues, over analyze or obsess about our issues.  We just put them out there, have some food and joke around.  Our expectations are not high.  We are cool with each other and very in the moment.  It is a nice change from many of my other friendships. 

My other interesting friendship is that person who had my back.  Who will take my text almost any time, made sure I knew what I was doing when I got the beats and knows when to just listen when I’m having a hard time.  I don’t think anyone knows me or more importantly, gets me like she does.  I’m assuming she gets me.  I could just be mistaken for her unwavering support and acceptance of all my weirdness and quirks but honestly I think she gets me.  There are no demands or expectations.  We are just there for each other in a way that I can’t even explain.  We might not see each other super often but we talk daily and I almost never have to tell her how I’m feeling when something bad happens.  She just gets it.  I have to thank Sweet Baby James for that one. 

This year has gotten off to a bit of a suck ass start but at the end of the day I sleep well knowing my support system is strong and that makes my heart and soul full. 

Sylvia

So I had every intention of going downtown today and getting a few things done.  At the crack of 8:30 I called to make sure my hair dresser Sylvia was working today since this would be one of the main reasons for putting on pants today.  My heart sank to her it was her day off.  Fuck!  The other woman in the shop who sports mall bangs, an oozing cold sore and specializes in shaving dudes necks is not someone I can trust to do a proper razor cut to my delicate, thinning, boyishly handsome lesbian hair.  That’s what Sylvia has mastered in the last year of our relationship.  (That and I feel bad for her.  She is named after one of the worst songs ever.  Sylvia’s mother.  I’m not named for Help me Rhonda but my song is catchy and most likely about some surfer whore named Rhonda blowing a beach boy to help him forget his past love.  Sylvia’s mother...ug.  Here is a link if you want to be depressed and confused.)  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dc6EWYws_X4

It’s kind of sad that my day has hinged on a woman in her mid 40’s who is going to make my lesbian surfer hair into a sensible lesbian cut again.  I do kind of feel that now when I pop into work I need to look semi professional to be hired back again.  I don’t believe one hair cut can erase almost 3 years of short pants, desk toys and running shoes, but it can’t hurt right?  Now tomorrow will be a full day of running around before dinner with a friend.  Today has thus far consisted of scrubbing the shower and tub, exfoliating, a peel off nose mask and job searching.  I needed a big of a blog break.

I also just took a chance and signed up for an online employment course.  It’s been a while since I’ve taken a course, I used to enjoy a good night school course and took some in project management, creative writing and Health and Safety.  It’s been a few years since my learning involved more then meditation and self improvement.  I’m guessing my home work won’t ask me to look back on my childhood and figure out why my relationships with others aren’t the best.  I’m sure I could figure out a way to make it about me in a professional employment related way.  I feel like I have found where I want to work and how I want to spend the middle part of my work life as I slowly begin approaching my middle years.

I was talking to a former co-worker the other day who is about my age.  We talked about finding “that job” for this part of our lives.  We don’t want and are not having kids and don’t have any dependents so what we plan on doing from now on is for us.  Talking to someone in the same place, same past employers and with the same goals was refreshing.  We both want to work somewhere doing something that not only makes a difference but is where we want to be.  Maybe that’s why I miss my job so much.  The work, the clients and most of all the co-workers that got me.  I even miss a few of the co-workers who didn’t get me.  (I’m a hard nut to get sometimes.)

I also got a sign yesterday while out shopping that I need to think about checking another thing off my bucket list.  See photo.  

Yes, I bought this game for 2 dollars! 

Today I got a sign from a comedian I used to love about an improv night in Toronto.  This is my perfect storm.  Toronto, no distraction and my chance to do comedy.  I’m going to look into it.

“Feet on ground, heart in hand, looking forward, be yourself.”

Beth Hart and solids

So this has been quite a week around Casa De Kursack.  Or however you would say that in Spanish.  I’ve managed to get emotionally and physically drained and thanks to a raging bout of the stomach flu I’ve lost 12 lbs.  Thanks to whoever shoved my toothbrush up their ass.  After getting a new toothbrush I’ve managed to thus far have a great weekend and feel almost (ish) normal again.  I had one of my perfect mornings starting with the sound of rain, tea and a biography. 

I almost don’t have much to talk about today.  I look forward to trying more solid foods and getting back to real life again this week.  Last week was a right off but I guess here and there we all have them.  Nothing is really a waste but maybe a pause to realize what we have and what we are shifting to focus on. 

Basement Girl went to church (for real) so I’ve managed to blast some tunes to bring be back to where I want to be today.  I think if I could tell anyone who to listen to it would be Beth Hart.  Some Sunday’s when I need a kick in the ass I listen to her and feel like I can either punch someone in the face (in a good way) or do almost anything.  She is the best singer you have never heard of.  Fun Fact about her, apparently the band Metric covers one of her songs.  Suck those balls.  So I will leave you with one that I love.  The lyrics...well are very...me. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQgcogjw1QQ 

Lyrics for you lazy bastards who don't listen to the song.

Wish me luck give me somethin'
Help me out and I'll go there
Wish me luck give me somethin'
Help me out and I'll go there

All I want is a brand new truck
With one eyed jacks and beginners luck
The doctors script for the perfect drug
Get it all while I can

But I got no money and I got no man
I drive around in a beat up van
I ride on coffee and percodan
Get it all while I can, get it all while I can

Is that too much to ask?
Is that too much to ask?
Is that too much to ask?
Is that too much to ask?
Come on now

So people tell me to clean up my mess
Like I was sweet sixteen in a dirty dress
But I'm wiser now so I must confess
That I get it all while I can, yeah
I get it all while I can

Is that too much to ask?
Is that too much to ask?
Somebody told me
Is that too much to ask?
Is that too much to ask?
Just make it real and make it last

Someday maybe I'll understand
This crazy old life is in my hands
Someday maybe I'll figure it out
Somebody help me anybody tell me

Wish me luck give me somethin'
Help me out and I'll go there
Wish me luck give me somethin'
Make it real and make it last

[Incomprehensible]

Is that too much to ask?
Is that too much to ask?
Somebody told me
Is that too much to ask?
Is that too much to ask?
Just make it real and make it last

"When I sneeze I die a little"

So the last two days I have been sicker then I thought possible.  I've been avoiding getting colds this season but how does one avoid stomach flu.  Or food poisoning.  I'm not sure.  Either way I've lost 10 lbs.  That bad.

Yesterday morning at 3:30 I woke up.  I felt a fart but something deep inside told me not to trust it.  Even half asleep I knew something was up.  In the bathroom I soon found that my intuition was not only right...it was dead on.  Not only did I get my period but I got the raging scoots.  I thought I was going to die.  Then I coughed and my stomach did a flop that only means one thing...yep.  I managed to run and get a bag (was not thinking straight) and got back on the bowl just in time to vomit up my lovely salmon, rice and corn dinner.  Again, and again.  Then I soon realised the bag had a hole in it.  Of course it did.  So, while taking a break I went and got a stainless steel bowl and began vomiting into that.  Hours later I was done.  Totally empty on both ends. 

By the end I was yelling as I vomited.  Like my Dad.  I remember when I was a kid, he was in the bathroom screaming.  I was terrified since he never yelled.  My mom said he was throwing up.  This explains when I was a kid why I would bang on the wall when I was sick.  I didn't like to bother anyone or scare the shit out of them like my Dad.  My poor Nana had to explain to my mom that when I puked I hit the walls. Like a crazy person.  (Couldn't see my quirky behaviour emerging could we?)

Today I slept all afternoon.  My back and shoulder muscles are totally pulled.  I made the mistake of sneezing a few times and thought I was going to die.  I'm serious.  Between my head pounding constantly from dehydration and the pulled muscles I was sure I would fall over dead.  I've managed to stop sneezing for now but the fear of it is keeping me in a state of fear. 

I hope to be better by the weekend.  So many plans have been cancelled as well as some job stuff but who wants to be around someone who has lost 10 lbs that fast.  I don't get how super models can vomit that much.  I can hardly talk my throat hurts! 

Anyway, back to life and reality. 

Tuned Out

So today I went with a good friend and her almost 3 year old to the Children’s Museum.  I have to say that on a Sunday it’s almost dead and we could really enjoy watching her daughter play and interact with her without 500 snotty little kids trying to steal toys away or pushing her out of the way.  Anyway, in the City part where the kids can do little jobs, ride little scooters, climb and role play there was a mom there with I think two kids sitting on a bench reading.  Um, I get that its really safe and you don’t have to be on them the entire time they play but really?  Busting out a book while your kids play out in public with other kids around?  Later when we were playing in the sand she walked by with the book.  50 Shades of Grey.  Nice.

Now, I get that I’m not a parent who is with a kid or kids 24/7 but maybe try and look interested while they play and ask to show you something.  I used to spend a lot of time with kids and the one thing that was said to me by a friend a few years ago was “You are very present with him every time you are together.”  It’s true.  In my defense I was there to see kids and spend time with them without the worry of laundry, cleaning the house, dinner and if homework was done.  I got to just enjoy spending time with the kids and getting to know them on a great Buddy level.  It helped me build a great bond with those kids. 

I’ve noticed for a while now how tuned out parents can be.  I do take the bus and see a lot of parents either texting the entire time, listening to music or on the phone not paying any attention to kids.  This would be a perfect time to talk to your kid about school or whatever.  I’ve seen this dad for a few years on the bus and at work.  While he catches the bus with his daughter who is about 10 they talk and almost always read together.  Sometimes she asks questions about the crazy people downtown.  Her Dad always gives her an honest answer like “Honey, that girl is on drugs.  She’s not in a good place.  That’s why she’s screaming and fighting.”  I have to say he’s one of the most present parents I have ever seen in my life. 

The other day I saw this post on Facebook that made me laugh.  I will attach. 

Now how many times have you been out with someone, anyone really and they are either on their phone or checking their phone the entire time.  Or checking their facebook the entire time and commenting on what is going on.  I used to really hate this but now it’s kind of one of those things that if the other person is doing it then I do it.  I kind of hate that about myself.  Then there is the joy of taking pictures of our food even before we taste or enjoy it.  I happen to not mind this.  I love to see what people eat when they go out and since I don’t really go out to eat it’s me living on the edge.  I have a friend who I worked with years ago.  She lives the exciting life of a single girl with a great job in Toronto who goes out to events and dinners in amazing restaurants.  I love her pictures.  She and her brother and the biggest food people I know.  When they went to Spain this year 3 of her food pictures from a market were my backdrops at work on my computer.  I will share one.  The beauty of the all the fruit makes me have a food boner.  

The last three women I have dated have kids.  So I get checking the phone when we are out or together but for the rest of us.  Really?  Do we need to know what’s going on with our friend from College this weekend or who made a killer roast?  Maybe, but not so much when we should really be giving some attention to what we are doing and who we are with.  

 Let’s try and enjoy the ride before we upload where we have been.