Salad Days

So I had four salads this weekend and feel like I could be dying.  This healthy life style is for the birds, well I think birds are even eating meat and garbage thanks to this world.  I guess I wish I was a bird right now.  Wrap a worm in bacon and I’d eat it right now.  Seriously. 

Friday night was date night so we went to the works.  Aside from the steam rollers that are the most amazing things ever created I gor a veggie burger with pineapple and brie cheese.  The sweet and sour sauce that comes with it might be the stickiest yet most amazing thing ever.  I also got onion rings that can never go wrong.  The best I have ever had in my life.  So that was my send off into a new healthy lifestyle.  After that it has been juicing and healthy salads.  Needless to say I’m hungry.

Saturday morning I spent about 40 bucks at the market on fruit and veggies.  Then another 30 at the grocery store on other things I needed.  Nothing was processed by the way.  I didn’t go up and down the isles for anything that didn’t come from dirt of some sort.  Hardfuckingcore I know but things do need to change in this little girls life.  I don’t mind eating healthy…it’s just not what I’m  use to really.  How awful is that?  When I think about how easy it is to eat processed food it’s clear why so many people struggle with weight and health issues.  When I started here I discovered Wendy’s loaded baked potatoes.  Sweet mother of baby lord Jesus!  First of all anything covered with that fake melted 7/11 nacho cheese from my high school days is amazing.  *I once when to this amazing mall in the states with Mike and Johnny and found a dive restaurant where they had that and would put it on anything.  I had fries smothered with it and a hot dog.*  Anyway, so with the amazing cheese you can get broccoli (lame) or bacon.  My choice was clear and easy.  I’ve had a few of them.  The last potato was clealy made by a teen boy who loves bacon.  I had a layer of bacon, then cheese then bacon.  Bless his little heart.  I don’t know him but I love him.  It was amazing.  I sat at my desk eating thinking I was being massaged from the inside out with love.  Dirty and gross but it felt that amazing.  It was warm and wonderful. 

I love a hot meal.  It’s how I was raised.  You come home and have a hot filling meal.  If you didn’t your mother didn’t love you and was a whore.  Needless to say Debbie makes a mean hot meal that has been enjoyed by many people over the years.  I wish my parents were more interesting but I was fed with love so thanks for that.  These days I have fed myself for many reasons.  Boredom, celebration, defeat, Wednesdays, friends, coupons and love.  Don’t we all.  I have a million reasons why I’ve celebrated things with food.  I just picked the main ones to illustrate my point on how my health got so bad.  I remember looking back when I was unhappy or unsure in a relationship I tended to eat a little more in my effort to comfort myself and to try and push the other person away.  Sadly both never worked. 

So I’m counting down the minutes until I get to eat.  I smell a few lunches around the office but nothing too amazing yet.  The school connected to the office hasn’t cooked anything that has smelled up the building in days so there is something.  My first month here was filled with smells of garlic and what I am guessing was good hot meals.  If I was more ballsy I would demand a hot plate for home.  I live alone fuckers!  Today I was wondering if they have been just feeding them sandwiches and juice boxes.  I smell nothing.  I need to know what’s happening!  Yes…I’m hungry.  My lunch of a full on salad with avocado, cucumbers and some seeds.  I had a bun with it but still…it’s not the smell of what I was guessing was lasagna and garlic bread.

These thoughts are not helping my diet at all.  In my last job I would have had the freedom to run and grab a stack.  For the better of my health I only get a half hour lunch and nothing good is really close so its variety store food or what a bring from home.  I’m doing fairly well at bringing food so that’s something good that I’ve managed to keep up with.  I don’t want to be all hungry and angry when I get home from work either.  I’m starting to think I’m lucky to live alone.  I’m starting to think others are lucky I live alone too. 

Tomorrow

So good things are slightly coming to the one who waits without bitching and moaning all the time.  I’ve managed to get a new bed, job is going amazing and was extended and I’ve been rather happy in my personal life.  Sadly I watched another documentary on health and am now terrified.

Needless to say we are for sure going back to Meat and Pants free in every way again.  This time I watched Fat, Sick and nearly Dead.  Amazing and it actually really hit me.  When you are unhealthy you tend to not think about it and think “it won’t happen to me” or next week I will start.  I have been playing that sweet game for a while.  My friend works in a high end rehab and has managed to gain 15 lbs in a month from all the amazing food  that is available constantly to her.  Plus, the chef seems to have a little crush on her so she’s been getting extra thick chocolate mouse every night.  Have at her! 

So the new bed came Saturday and after two nights of a bit of getting use to extreme firmness of things I seem to have gotten use to it.  The bed is so high that I have to get a leg up to get in it.  I felt very perched up in it and not very cozy.  I’m almost over that now.  Almost…but I find it funny I got the lower box spring and was going to change my mind.  Another four inches would surely mean a hip replacement in a month or me falling out of bed full on peeing myself.  I’m sure of it.  Plus should Norman Earl opt to try and jump down he would be jumping down from about 4.5 feet.  That’s an estimate but still the bed is so high that I feel like poor Norman could be hurt if he jumps.  Also the bed has a cooling layer so we both have yet to wake up all sweaty.  My pre-menopause sweating has stopped and Norman Earls little sweaty dog arm pits are a thing of the past!  Sadly things have changed with us.  He no longer sleeps under the covers.  Too many farts and hot boxing him with the smells have kept him on top of the covers and in his Mexican Stand off blanket. 

I just talked way too much about the dog.  Lame!  I’ve  totally jumped from an amazing life changing movie, to the new bed and now my dogs sweaty little arm pits.  What has this blog come to?  A mish mash of my random thoughts as I think them with no rhyme or reason?  Apparently that is how my mind works now.  My work is very much like that these days.  I do accounting, then reports and manage to help several Justice Workers at the same time.  My mind is never on one thing for very long and even around the house if I’m not playing a video game I’m up and down doing whatever while watching TV or playing on the computer.  What happened to just sitting and doing one thing?  Or keeping focused long enough to write a blog on one topic?

I was talking to someone about trivia earlier today.  My ability to remember completely useless facts and such makes me a great trivia person.  Sadly if I was able to harness this trait at a younger age I could have focused on school and maybe stayed focused long enough to get a degree in something amazing and in demand.  There should seriously be someone in schools who tests for whatever I have and gears some education toward helping me focus.  I also think this person would be amazing for people with ADD so they could find jobs or schooling that keeps them busy.  Some of the most successful people in the world have ADD.  Why are they successful?  Ability to multi task.  Seriously we need to figure out how to let people learn what they are passionate to learn without barriers of useless courses they don’t find interesting or stimulating.  That’s when people shut off.  The longer you are shut off the harder it is to turn you back on to something.  Be it work or a relationship.  Think about people who are in a relationship for a long time and it’s lost it’s luster or something has changed to turn you off.  If you leave it for a long time it’s much harder to turn it back on then if you work on it a day or two after a fight or change.  Same thing with a job really.  We get stuck because the pay is good, work friends, know the job and safety when really we could be moving forward or doing something that pays more in contentment then dollars. 

So I guess it’s important to follow your nose to what makes you feel alive.   The “It won’t happen to me” or “I’ll start tomorrow” attitude doesn’t always lead to the passionate life.  I guess the best I can do it keep working toward starting today what will make us better tomorrow.

New Bed and Chicks

One more sleep until I get my new bed.  I can’t even get over myself.  I could nominate basement girl for person of the year right now.  Due to lack of hours at her work she was way far to ok with spending her day expertly painting my bedroom in full.  I don’t think she would ever get how much stress that takes off this chunky monkey.  When I get home from work I really am not in the mood for much so the thought of coming home to a full on painting job is nothing I’m interested in at all.  It had to be done…no point in getting a new bed in a bad juju room.  Either way tonight will be spent doing laundry and getting everything ready for Saturday. 

I’ve had a lot of struggles in the last while and despite being happy with some parts of my life I’ve really needed something to spruce myself and the house up.  A new bedroom and bed is just what I need to give me something to look forward to and enjoy.  Chances are I will be off in the summer unless something comes up so I have that to prepare for mentally and financially for that joy.  I’m ok with it really.  I love working but I do enjoy time at home with the boys a little too much.  Who knows, I could be blogging daily, even hourly with all that time to my own thoughts.

As per usual I’m trying to set up a Buddy of mine with a girl from work’s brother.  Usually my set up’s of my friends are terrible and don’t even get to the meeting phase but this one seems like it’s totally perfect.  So this could mean one of two things…either they will be perfect together and fall in love thus staying together for a while and breaking up in a messy way blaming me eventually or they can meet and really feel nothing too exciting.  Either way I’m determined to get a finders fee for this one.  I think that’s fair.  Honestly.

Clearly I’m a little jaded when it comes to love and romance.  I think I almost always have been.  People focus too much on what they think or want someone to be and not getting to know and enjoy who they really are.  Or who they really are not.  When people just don’t fit then it’s really best to move on.  Why prolong things?  I was given a hard time about a break up not long ago so it got me thinking about relationships.  I don’t plan on talking trash or details but relationships but I realize I need a few things to keep me from even wanting a relationship with anyone. 

1.       Respect.  Said person has to respect  themselves as much as they respect others.  I don’t do what I’m not comfortable with nor would I ever expect anyone else to feel they had to because we were dating.

2.       Freedom.  Expectations when women date seems to be that they have to spend every second talking about feelings and being together all the time.  That is nothing I am interested in.  I enjoy spending time with someone but I need time to do my own thing without having my balls busted for that not including the person I’m dating.  I’m an odd bird that way but I don’t feel like a person needs to be involved in every aspect of my life.  I love my life and am protective of it.  By the same token I don’t want to be immersed in every aspect of someone else’s life either.  It’s your life…live it.  I can share in it on my own level.

3.        Passion.  Aside from passion with the person I need to see passion for something they do.  When someone shows passion for their job, something they create, reading, friends and life it is something you can’t help to want to be part of.  Someone who’s only passion are others really is setting themselves up for a life of disappointment.  Their achievements, interests and goals become yours and soon you have no idea who you are or were.  Find your own path.  If it’s not with mine then that’s ok too.  Life is for living not following.

4.       Chill.  As an introvert I can’t be having someone all demanding and rammy about things.  I do and talk about things in my own way and time.  Sometimes that frustrates people but it’s part of who I am.  Sometimes I say no when something is going to take too much of my emotional energy.  If I have a lot going on or a bad day at work the last thing I want to do with my energy is run around or entertain.  I never understood why someone would want or demand to be around someone who is not mentally there or open to spending time together.  Be cool and have some respect. 

For now that’s about all I can think of really.  Maybe that’s why I seem to end up meeting people who either are on the way out of the city to follow a dream or living a dream outside the city?  Hard to tell.  Maybe it works for me in some way or better yet gives me the freedom to do all the things I want while getting a sampling of a relationship.  Either way…I plan to keep trying to set people up.  Even myself.

The Wise Drag Queen

So last week at work I had a wonderfully conversation with a Drag Queen about giving back.  I know that sounds odd but let me explain a little bit.  First off I should explain that most of the time I’m scared of Drag Queens.  Maybe I’m not in touch with my inner Diva the way I should be or the fact that a huge tall man looks more amazing as a woman then I do is weirdly threatening to me.  At any rate I have always had a hard time making eye contact with a Drag Queen in full Diva.  This Diva was in scrubs coming from a day job of helping others as a PSW dropping of some cash he raised doing a drag show and as a donation. 

We talked for a bit and he told me about giving a woman crap for tossing out coats in the garbage.  She had told him that she didn’t have time to donate them, she was too busy.  He had told her “No, you mean you are too good.  Too London to be seen at a place where someone might benefit from your scraps.”  Now when you are in touch with the inner Diva inside then you have no problem telling some North London lady off.  I realized I’ve done the same thing.  I’ve been rammy and just wanted something done and cleaned out.  I’ve tossed shirts I’ve never worn with tags on them in a garbage bag not caring.  The more I think about it the more angry I get at myself.  I remember a youth who was big looking for job interview clothes at Clothing Works and they had nothing in her size.  She left feeling ashamed and I’m sure slightly more hopeless then she went in.  And this Healthy Helga is just tossing plus size shirts away like I was done with them and too good to take the extra 5 minutes to put a bag together for Goodwill or Clothing Works.  What a c-word.  I was no better really then snobby North London woman.

I do have to say that I’m 100 times better then I was.  I’ve seen people who have maybe 2 sets of clothes, hardly any food and no money to even wash their clothes.  I’ve sat with them and had a chat about the weather and helped them with finding information.  I’ve secretly judged but when you can’t really do anything big to help you build up a wall.  I don’t want to think too much about what they are dealing with.  I’ve been bitching about my bed being so uncomfortable.  I have one and I didn’t fish it out of the garbage. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not trying to change the world or giving everything I have to a church or something.  I’m just saying if we all took a minute or two and put our crap in a box for someone to use then maybe we would make a difference.  So after my talk with the Drag Queen I made the choice to start putting aside house stuff for a youth I’ve been in touch with who is moving out with nothing.  Why not?  I would rather have my crap go a kid who has nothing then to Value Village where they over price it.  I’m not a fan of that.  I would donate to Goodwill since they are employing people and would not try and sell my gross used towel for 4 bucks.  Just sayin. 

A while back I put a message on facebook that a friend needed baby boy clothes for twins.  My Buddy Kim and her friends (all seem to have a lot of kids) busted a nut getting me garbage bags full of clothes.  Amazing.  That’s what I would like to see more of!  People asking for others and friends searching around and getting rid of what they don’t need to help someone who doesn’t have the cash for the basic things. 

So lessons to be learned would be not to fear a wise Drag Queen and give back.  It doesn’t have to be money or tons of time.  Just making someone who feels like no one cares know that you took time to make sure they had some of what they need to do what we take for granted.  Who wants to dry their balls with the same towel for 2 weeks until you have laundry money?  So I’m going to try and give more.   Life is hard enough so if I can make it a tad easier for someone with nothing right now I guess it’s good karma for me.  Who knows where I will be when this contract ends?  I could be needing some help.  We all could at some point.

Fear and Disconnect

I don’t know what’s up with me these days.  I’ve not blogged in far too long.  Long enough that off hand I can’t remember what I last blogged about.  So I think that’s a bad sign and who knows how long it will be until I loose this blog for lack of giving a fuck.  Not the case but still.  You get my point.

After the super long weekend I’ve really felt like doing nothing at all.  I’m oddly tired and am uber protective of my time.  I’ve been invited out several times but have said no.  After working till 5 and rushing home to let the dog out I really don’t feel like doing anything with anyone.  Even people I like.  I don’t know if it’s just still getting use to working or a little realisation of time.  After another birthday I seem to have realised that time is short and if I want to do nothing after work with my dog  I’m going to do it.  I do have plans this weekend so will see how that goes.  I’m more then sure this is one of my weird phases…shocking that I have those but it’s true.

I’m excited to be going out with my sarcastically smart friends for a battle of the minds.  It’s needed.  Not that all my friends are smart but every friendship is built on something different.  Meat, sharing books, sharing secrets, sharing Capri’s.  Whatever.  Needless to say a battle of the minds is very needed for me right now.  I’ve shut mine off for a while and it’s more then time it comes back on.

Maybe I’m getting stupider?  I’ve been playing video games, not writing and watching too many reality shows.  At work I listen to Fresh FM which plays party songs and Pink every 20 minutes.  I like Pink but they play the same stuff all day everyday…3 times a day.  I can’t really do books on tape here.  Maybe I should switch to CBC?  I miss being as smart as I used to be.  Honestly I was very up on things going on in the world.  Now if it’s not on facebook I don’t know about it.  Who am I?  Some 15 year old girl who doesn’t believe life happens unless it’s updated on facebook?  I hate people who go anywhere and have to spend the entire time they are at an even uploading pictures.  Jesus!  Enjoy the event and update after.  I’ve basically made a vow that if I am out with anyone and they start checking their phone and texting that I will promptly go about my business elsewhere.  I think that’s fair.   

So I just realised right now I feel disconnected from life.  Or I’ve connected to other parts of my life more then usual?  Who knows.  All I know is that I’m just not in the mood for anything or anyone really and its not personal.  I’m almost glad my dating life is not very serious right now or I’m guessing it would be non existent!  Lucky for me not much is expected out of me right now…so that works for me.  I do tend to be known for keeping to myself but now it’s just part of who I am.  Sometimes I almost feel badly for my family who never gets to see me but not really.  I don’t think I would trade the peace I feel for anything. 

I do keep getting pushed by people I’ve just met to do stand up.  Maybe it’s something new or age but it’s almost scaring me more then it use to, or I’m just in a place where I feel it more?  A friend who has had some major life changes in the last year is on a mission to do things that scare her this year.  She’s done more then one thing that normally she would never do.  I’m oddly proud of this for her.  We should all do more things that scare us.  Even me.  I have done many things when I was younger that scare me…I’d list them but it almost feels too personal.  I often feel that I can’t escape doing stand up at some point.  I get huge hints and pushes to it all the time but as anyone could imagine standing on a stage being judged is terrifying.  

Chelsea Handler and the truth

Today being Monday and me being unemployed it feels like Sunday.  I know.  Don't hate me.  With the dreary rain outside it's a perfect day for a Sunday.  It's even March Break so the kids across the street at the school are gone.  Lucky for me the people next door seem to keep their kids in the house all the time so it should be a quiet few days.  Basement girl is even gone so I'm shirt free without the fear of being caught.  This is livin.

I've had another interview that went well so I'm back to waiting to hear back.  I don't know how I feel about taking just a short contract but it's something and in this economy with this lack of formal education it's not anything I can pass up.  I want to stay in social services supporting people but the not for profit game is a cold mistress when it comes down to funding and such.  Still, I would rather do something I love that makes some difference in the world then push papers all day. But for those of you who push papers...push away.

I had a thought the other day how interesting it would be to just do contracts around the city at not for profits.  3 months at each kind of in a pool of people wanting to go somewhere new but stay in the same sort of work.  With the burn out rate so high people could feel like they are in a new job everywhere they go learning new things about other agencies.  Again, brilliant idea on my part. 

I actually opted to skip Walking Dead last night and watch Oprah interview Chelsea Handler.  As someone who has read almost all her books and loves a few comedian writers on her show I just had to.  Despite her getting slagged for sleeping her way to the top I think she is actually one of the most talented comedians out there.  She tells it like it is.  I'm just starting to write jokes and this blog but the one thing I struggle with is being mean.  I love how she can talk about her personal life that is real with just a whiff of poking fun at those in it.  Honestly, I worry about what people think too much and that will be holding me back with writing and comedy.  My personal life is hilarious.  From who I've dated to who I've wanted to date.  How can I not talk about my hilarity with muddling around this life and who I meet along the way. 

Now, in reading that a few people probably just tightened up anally and are now scared and that is fair.  If you can't laugh at life...what can you laugh at.  I don't think I would ever make fun of anything super personal like an abortion or accidentally blowing your boss for a raise.  However for the sake of being real and facing the good and bad...I'm not going to leave too much out.  I don't run from my life or the challenges in it.  I might hide behind a bush for a minute and regroup but this chunky monkey is not going to hide for long.

I think people don't know what to do with people like Chelsea Handler.  They speak their minds, opinions and truths in a way that you have to laugh at.  I do the best I can with that myself but sometimes, like the rest of the world I fuck it up.  That's where the fun part comes in.  You kind of can't make fun of someones truth when they are living it.  Now...if you are busy running from your life and hiding behind everything that will stand still long enough for you not to be living your life...you can bet I'm going to make fun of that shit.  ;-)

Remember one of my favourite sayings.  Life is too short and no one gets out alive. 
Enjoy life and have a laugh.  My dream is to find my own place to make people smile.  What's yours?

Tealights, horsemeat and health

So despite a very busy few days of fun I've managed to get my ass up early this morning and make a little time to blog. Last night I was made an amazing vegan dinner and this morning woke up with equally amazing thank you farts.  Farts that when I took the dog out were still waiting for me 7 minutes later when I got back in the house.  Still worth the great dinner and conversation.  I also managed to "borrow" a copy of this years Ikea Catalogue.

I love the Ikea catalogue more then the store almost.  The beautiful rooms all done up and happy possible Swedish and the odd Asian models in happy home life scenes.  Amazing.  Ikea has always had a special place in my heart.  I think it's more the act of going.  I went the first time with a friend from College years ago and have maybe gone 8 or 10 times.  Mostly with my gay guy friends.  The greatest trips to the store have been early on weekdays when the store is not full of fighting couples and people in general.  So full that you can't enjoy the visit.  See, that's the thing.  For those of us here in London to get to Burlington or Toronto for an Ikea visit it's a big deal.  It involves planning and excitement.

My meat soul mate Jason lives about 5 minutes away from one just outside Toronto. He and his wife think nothing of taking the kids for breakfast for a dollar and dumping them in the ball pit for an hour while they go shopping either in the store or close by.  Amazing.  They can just run over for stuff.  That would be deadly for some of us if they actually built an Ikea in London.  That rumour has been around as long as I can remember.  Seriously, every year or so someone tells me "they are going to build one in Hyde Park" or where ever there is some new construction.  Lies.  I never get excited anymore...ever. 

I honestly do not get why they don't open one here.  We have a University and College for fuck sakes!  There is millions of dollars in discount furniture sales for students right there!  September would be a nightmare to get near the store but amazing sales.  *Fun Fact.  London has more retail sales for back to school then it does for Christmas.  Or it used to.  Seriously!*  That fun fact alone deserves an Ikea! 

I have had 3 Ikea sofas now.  The one I have now I found online and though stylish its not as comfortable as the long blue one I had.  I loved that one.  It was as big as a single bed to lay on and back when I got it and this house (both were 4th hand) I had a great time breaking that sofa in with my girlfriend at the time.  I miss that sofa.  Great for naps and I think about 7 of my friends loved it for drunken sleepovers.  No one peed it either.  Thanks guys. 

I've only eaten at Ikea once or twice. I didn't eat the meatballs, I know that for sure.  I don't trust non homemade meatballs, they never seem to agree with me.  Now with all the fuss about eating horse meat I honestly think people need to figure it out.  Yes, I might be the worst person trying to be a vegan ever in the history of people trying to be vegan but come on.  What do you expect from companies trying to make as much money as possible?  If you want to know what is in your food then make it yourself.  I found out last year that all most all Harvey's burgers are made with soy.  Check it out. 
http://www.harveys.ca/eng/allergy.php

Think about this.  Depending on how the horses were raised their meat could be leaner.  I am guessing if it found its way into dollar meatballs and fast food burgers they were raised for slaughter.  I learned long ago there are too many horses out there thanks to HRT (hormone replacement therapy) since only pregnant horses pee makes the HRT stuff.  (Gross)  So they keep horses pregnant and out come more horses.  Since we all don't have our own horse you can imagine how many extras there are.  Personally I'm good looking slightly manly and having night sweats.  I don't want to ingest horse pee...at all. 

Its funny how the vegan granola crunchers I used to make fun of are now making sense.  I honestly think people are tired of all the crap in food.  Crap is ok here and there but I make it a point to buy as little canned food or processed shit as possible.  Yesterday I saw this and had to say something about it.  Now outside of summer if your kid is eating that many hot dogs...you suck as a parent.  I'm sorry I'm not a parent but come on.  I got thinking that now in schools you can bring peanut butter so kids sandwiches are lunch meat.  I'm guessing not the good kid like a fresh ham or turkey but the shit kind you get in a package.  Baloney is basically flat hot dogs and I've known people who feed their kids that daily. I bet that's 12 hot dogs a month.

Now I get that kids are picky and that's fine.  But trust me parents.  Diabetes, fucked up hormones and high blood pressure is picky too.  It always picks those of us who ate like frat boys for too long and expected to be picked last like we were in school for sports.  Little secret...that is our chance to get picked first. 

So I plan on continuing to do my best to take better care of myself.  Today that starts with a hot tea and slowly flipping my way into the new Ikea catalogue thinking about a road trip when I'm back on my shopping day trip feet.