Bag (age?)

I think ladies who carry purses would say you can tell a lot about a girl by her bag.  Well, I wonder what you can tell about a girl about her backpack?  Yes, with my boyish good looks and golf shirts you can maybe tell that I’m a lesbian.  I’ve never had any interest in having a purse and to be honest when I carry a friends who’s hands are full, it’s not the best site.  It’s…uncomfortable looking.  I will illustrate.

How many backpacks do I have?  About 4 or 5.  I also have 2 murses and a Korean bag that was an impulse buy.  It looked good when I saw it on Ebay but it’s a little…tight since it’s not really in what they call “western sizes” for those of us with more then ample curves and such.  What’s my deal with backpacks?  I don’t know.  It’s not like I have a ton of stuff in them every day.  I could really force it all in a murse but I have never been a fan of something on just one shoulder.  It’s not good for the back and it’s always bothered my shoulder.  I have very rounded shoulders, so shit just slides off them.  Like shirts and sometimes feelings. 

I was thinking if there is some huggy touchie feely reason why I love a backpack so much.  I decided to get all Oprah, while on the bus mind you, and thought maybe I carry a backpack because I carry so much stuff with me.  Thoughts, feelings and a little of the past.  Then again it could be my back issues.  Not sure.

I remember when I started college.  I wanted a big backpack.  Thinking going to library school I would need a lot of space.  So, I ran down to that surplus place at Gibraltar and got myself this huge backpack.  This thing could hold a small man wearing a regular backpack filled with books.  Once I started school I realized I had gotten myself a camping in the Nordic carry enough stuff for a week in the woods bag.  The thing was huge compared to everyone else’s stylish backpacks.  With my short T-Rex arms I had to dig at the bottom of the bag for what I needed every class burring my entire arm, shoulder and have my head to get anything.  It was that deep.  In my defence it did have a small top part that I could put my pens and wallet in.  So that was handy.

Since those years I have evolved so to speak.  There was a gym bag and then the tacky Tracker bags before I found the Swiss bags I seem to have loyalty to.  I love the metal zippers, the clean lines and the basic colors and patterns.  No flashy shit.  No crazy colors or silly sayings.  (I made the mistake of getting a cool lunch bag without flipping it to the other side.  It says Foxy Jeans on it.)  Anyway, so I tend to avoid Bentley…just in case there is a sale on bags that involves the Swiss.  I am more then due for a new bag.  My last bag is over a year old and even if it looks new…I know the truth.  A new one is needed. 

I did see one when I was with my friend…lets call her Annie to protect her innocents in my bag obsession.  We were at Costco and it was by the door.  Black, zippers and so many slots.  So many.  Slot for lap top, papers, pens, ipods, phones.  It was ready for me to organize things I don’t even normally carry around.  If this bag could have been any better it would have a special little pocket for my diabetes blood tester.  (That will be the next idea with people as unhealthy as they are. 

I have big dreams of going back to the gym and being one of those super awesome work out people before work.  It won’t be happening soon but with all the stuff I carry around I would almost need to design my own bag.  Big pocket for my wet towel and swim stuff, another pocket for my lady things and getting ready for work stuff.  Spot for my little note book where I write jokes, my pens and special mechanical pencils.  The surplus of pads and tampons I carry all month long, cause you never know.  Now that I think of my lady self, I should have a smaller lady bag for lady things like tooth brush, toothpaste, spare pills, tiny scissors or tweezers for stray nose hair, a razor if things are out of control, travel lotions and shampoos.  Fuck, I should just stay home! Then we get into if I’m reading anything good and carrying a book with me.  Maybe a spare shirt or extra underwear.  I am a lady after all!

Sunday

The weather changing has made the nights chilly so I went up to the storage room and got down the good duvet.  For the last two night I've managed to spend my night under what I like to call the fluffy pillows of wonderful warmth. It's almost like being held by a warm lady friend on a cold night...from what I can recall. 

I've managed to enjoy some hot tea and think about life stuff.  It's one of those Sunday's when in the past I would have had the oven going all day with a chicken or a roast.  Today I'm thinking about putting a potatoe or some squash in the oven.  It doesn't feel the same as busting out a chicken or something a little...meaty.  I do feel great not eating any meat or dairy but there is that comfort food factor I can't seem to fully get over just yet.  I am not at the point where I am busting out these amazing vegan or vegitarian comfort food meals that fill the house with these amazing smells.  I need to get to that point fairly soon. Considering I am on this whole putting my health first deal cooking a huge wonderful smelling hunk of meat is not going to be happening.  I do love a good roast meal.  I wish I could make roasted potatoes like my Nana.  She used to get them all dark and wonderful on the outside.  I miss my Nana.

I napped today and woke up thinking of everything I want to do this fall to the main floor of the house.  I've had this insane urge to change my living room around for about two weeks now.  The sofa has been mostly in the same spot since I moved here but there is part of me that wants to say fuck it.  Just because it's "suppose" to go on that wall doesn't mean it has to.  Kind of like eating meat.  Just because I've always done it doesn't mean I still have to.  If I can only find a way to move my TV without 200 cables everywhere. 

Nice girls finish when??

So, I have a theory.  I've had this theory for a good while now and it took a friend to remind me about it.  Here goes.

I don't believe that two nice people can be together.  Let me explain nice people or people who are all "That's not true!"  It fuckin is true and I'm going to explain why.  In life you have bitches and the "nice guy" types.  Now I do think the saying "nice guys finish last" is very true.  Why?  Because when you are a nice guy or girl you put peoples needs in front of your own.  You tend to be maybe a little too respectful showing the less than passionate person that is really in there.  So, the asshole who is clear and is able to be assertive when he wants something comes off as passionate and deep with the girl.  Example of asshole "Hi, you are gorgeous.  Can't help but notice that smile."  (I'm a nice girl so I'm not saying tits.)  Nice guy, "Hi, beautiful day isn't it.  Are you in line for coffee?"  Now, people like to hear about themselves, so nice guy is trying to make conversation while asshole is right up there front in center making sure the girl knows she's been noticed.  Girl is thinking "Wow, this guy is confident and strong."  Nice guy comes off as a guy just talking.  Now, for all we know nice guy is very passionate and confident.  Or whatever this girl is looking for.  He's just not going to bust it out the first 20 seconds.  Why be attracted to someone so nice?

Ok, if you think I'm talking out of my ass then that is fine.  I however have some other examples of couples that work because someone has to be the bitch.  (And I don't just mean women are the bitch.  Anyone can be a bitch.)  So think about this, you can't have two nice people in a couple.  Why?  Everyone would be asking them for help.  Little tip about nice people.  We never say no.  So, you have two nice people together not saying no then you have basically two people out there helping people to the point of exhaustion.  Think about it.  If one spouse is the bitch they can say "you are not doing that, you worked all week and you can't spend the rest of the weekend helping them move again.  Sorry, tell them no."  Amazing.  The bitch lets you have free time and it's not your fault!  You don't have to feel bad.  Bitches usually have much bigger shoulders and don't mind saying no.  Nice people...who fear it and then if we do say it, we have anxiety about it for days.

I have been told a few times that I'm a nice person.  So I was thinking about the women I have chosen to keep company with.  I don't want to name names but I have dated three nice women.  One is dead, one just got married to someone else (I'm so fine with this) and the other moved away before we could grow bored of each other.  The others were good people, but they were bitches.  I'm not saying at all being a bitch is a bad thing.  Life is all about balance.  I'm just trying to prove my point.

Everyone wants to think they are a nice person and that's fair.  But, I would much rather be the bitch.  If I was a bitch I would be fine with telling it like it is, showing my passions outwardly and not being so worried what people think of me.  I admire bitches.  I think secretly I've always been attracted to what I'm not, a strong woman who speaks her mind.  I asked for someone nice a while ago.  I don't know if I'm open yet to receive what I've asked for.  I just hope I don't miss it and finish last again. 

Stress Meat

So I fell off the meat wagon.  It's been a rough month and now that Summer Jobs is done at work I took some extra time off to relax before the long weekend. Why wouldn't I get in a fight with my father?  I was already on edge from my Uncle Jimmy dying then my father and his "issues"  Had to press my buttons.  I do have to say that thanks to my little assertiveness deal I stuck up for myself.  I get that we are all supose to respect our parents but I'm old and I'm not going to be picked on in my own house. 

Needless to say after that I was upset and after buying a new house (it's a long story) I made my way to Wendy's and had both beef and bacon.  I'm not proud of my tasty mistake.  But it seems when I get upset I turn to meat now.  Today, I feel not the best and last night I was congested.

I guess we all have things that send us over the edge.  I'm working hard at not emotionally eating.  I really don't have a choice anymore since I have the beats.  Still.  I've been trying to keep my cool and enjoy this weekend non the less.  I was up at 7 doing laundry to hang out on the line and am now sitting in a pair of very ugly men's boxers drinking a tea.  I really don't know when I became this person, who is so happy and content with my life.  Weird as it is at times.  I am very happy.

I might right later.  Right now I need to enjoy wearing nothing but boxers and thinking about going outside to work on my yard.

Pride

I was thinking of blogging about Pride when I was actually in the parade and all that.  I think I started a thought or two but nothing really came up or out.  Why?  Well, I feel like I’ve been gay forever and a day and honestly it’s no big deal to me.  It’s not something I can hide with this girly fella look or my inability to sit with my legs closed.  I did go out a ton when I was in my early 20’s and got all that out of my system, but I was never...Proud.  To this day I have not owned anything rainbow, gone to Toronto pride or attended pride openly in London.  For the last 10 years it’s not been a priority for me at all.

Today my friend with kids that I adore called saying they were watching it on TV looking for me.  The little one wanted to see me on TV like I was a celebrity.  “Watching for Rhonda!”  Despite shot gunning in the parade and seeing all the people enjoying the day it wasn’t until hearing the kids today that I felt proud at all about Pride and being gay.  Proud that the kids wanted to see me on TV.  Proud that they understood why I was there and it didn’t matter.  They just wanted to see me on TV.

In the last 18 years (ish) of me being openly gay things have changed in my world.  It went from being the elephant in the room with my parents to my mother and I joking about me dry humping the female mannequins at the fat girl store.  To me, being gay isn’t something to be proud of.  It’s part of who I am.  It’s not my best part.  I don’t think it’s even in the top 10.  To me, being proud means it doesn’t matter I’m gay.  It matters that 3 little people across town are happy and proud to see me on TV because they love me and not because I’m gay.

Meat Free???

So for the last few weeks I've been slightly in my own world trying to get the diabetes under control, figure out my eating and loose some weight.  It's been going fairly well considering all this feels semi new to me.  I've managed to not eat meat for a month.  Well, I did have some chicken breast on a salad and there might have been another time or two.  But I'm really off meat (mostly) dairy always, and now sweets.  WTF? 

So, after not eating meat for about a full week and some good weight loss news at the doctors I decided to go and get some on sale chicken breasts yesterday.  After my usual Saturday nap I cleaned them and put them in the oven.  About 15 minutes in I could hardly stand the smell of them cooking, I was almost gagging and had to open a window.  Seriously?  Maybe I should have BBQ'd them?  That was my mothers suggestion when I told her.  Either way, I think things have changed.  When I went to eat I could only eat about half of the one cooked for dinner.  I ended up tossing everything left.  So gross. 

I got to thinking last night when I was craving frozen yogurt that maybe my poor pallet has changed.  Maybe I am now over the meat and dairy.  Or maybe I feel so much better that I finally get that I just can't eat these things anymore. 

I wonder how I would feel about chicken wings?

Self Pleasure

So yesterday I wrote about self control.  Today I was reminded of a fun fact I saw on the Twitter.  It mentioned that women in their 40’s masturbate more then any other female age range.  This caused me to make a joke about saving my money to go down to part time at work in a few years to accommodate all my new masturbation. 

Before you think I’m going to fully chat about my masturbatory skills in detail let me just say I do believe in the old saying  that “Masturbation and peeing in a pool are the two things we all do but don’t talk about.”  I did hear a fact that there are people out there who actually do not flick the bean at all.  I’m guessing they are the very rude people who work in retail that hate everyone.  Maybe they are also those weirdo people who actually think that it’s up to another person to make them happy in every aspect of their lives.  Trust me, there are people out there who believe if they are not totally made happy by someone constantly in every way, they must not be the right person.  Fuck off. 

In writing this I feel responsible to not put out incorrect information so I googled Health Benefits of Masturbation.  All the articles are for men.  No offense but one guy reads my blog and he’s smart enough to google what cleaning his pipes can do for him.  So, after searching specifically for women I found an article with some good facts.  Ladies and gay guy.  Prepare to learn something about lady vagina health.

1.  Masturbation helps prevent cervical infections and helps relieve urinary tract infections. So apparently if you clean out the lady pipes on a regular basis you can help prevent lady town infections.  I can see that.  Also, cleaning out the pipes is important.  After saying that I picture a clogged sink.
2. Masturbation is associated with improved cardiovascular health and lower risk of type-2 diabetes.  I was about to call bullshit on this one.  If this were true and I knew about it before my last blood test before I was informed of my Beats, I would have been flicking the bean for days before hand.  Sadly, now that I’ve thought about it...perhaps I should step up my game.  My alone game that is.  I’m guessing it could also lower my cholesterol as well.  So, that’s something too.
3. ·  Masturbation can help work against insomnia naturally, through hormonal and tension release.   This really should be the first one.  Who hasn’t been stuck awake at night thinking about the stressful day, you get up, watch a bad movie, have a bowl of mini wheat’s and facebook creep an ex who you found out is getting married this September 10 years after you were the first girl she experimented with.  It’s not me doing that.  I can’t eat mini wheat’s anymore.  Anyway, why not just skip all those steps, open the spank bank and have a talk with the man in the boat?  Also, who hasn’t had a stressful day at work?  You could go for a walk or to the gym, maybe vent with some friends.  Or you could once again open up the spank bank and take out that frustration on the man in the boat.  If by this point you don’t get that the man in the boat is your clitoris you might need to stop reading now and call it a night.  I have had a friend or two over the years ask me why I’m so good natured and calm when they are intense and angry.  See number 3.
4. ·  Orgasm increases pelvic floor strength. There are people who are reading this who have yet to hit that wonderful lady time when you choose not to sneeze, cough or laugh just in case you spritz.  Trust me, at some point this will happen to you and if you manage to kick out a few pups or have an issue it will happen often.  Keeping those muscles tight is important for as long as you can.  I am not saying get those creepy ball things they sell at sex parties that look like huge marbles.  Crocks.  HA!  I picture people using them during the day at work and then sneezing and blowing one out a pant leg.  Sorry.  Anyway.  This is important. 

Also this article talks about the touchie feelings that go with pipe cleaning.  I believe they call it emotional benefits.  I guess we should discuss the emotions or lack there of that can happen when you self love yourself...by yourself.

1.  ·  Relieves stress and improves mood.  No shit. We did cover this earlier but aside from the physical there is the letting go that can happen when the bean has been flicked.  Rather than just letting go, sometimes you need a little help.  Also, how can you not cut some of a shitty mood after you have an orgasm?  I’m semi thinking the horny boyfriend with the bitchy girlfriend might have a good point.  Give in ladies.  He could be right. She writes that masturbation can help relieve emotional stress by taking time for ourselves, amidst the demands of home, family, and work.
2. Strengthens our relationship with ourselves. Well, I have been saying since my lady course that I need to take better care of myself and put myself first.  If this has something to do with that I missed that week in my Women helping Women course.  And I would have been up for it.  Just sayin.  So, when we do our thing we nurture ourselves on emotional and physical levels.  This apparently causes us to gain confidence and grow through self-awareness.  I don’t know about confidence.  Being a great masturbator is not something I will be bragging about in the lunch room.  However, being in charge of yourself in any way is a great step to fulfillment.
3. Strengthens sexual relationship with partner.  I can’t tell you how many of my straight in relationship at some point or married lady friend have told me stories of catching Mr. Wonderful spanking the monkey off either into a good hand towel or using all their expensive conditioner to beat off in the shower.  So clearly Dudes have a higher drive then ladies.  But I have also had a few stories of ladies who...needed the job done right.  Before or during a relationship it’s important to know what you like.  So many women will just let some Dude or woman for that matter plod around down in lady town without any direction.  You try and hook up a TV, VCR, DVD, game system and surround sound with no help or instruction.  I rest my case on that shit.  Tell the person you are stoomping what you want and need.  Don’t waste time letting them find the key to that cat box.
4. Fantasy and a break from real life.  When you spend the day working in a busy stressful environment sometimes you want to come home and picture a half nude Terri Clark bent over a pool table telling you how great you are.  Maybe...you put that image in the spank bank.  The spank bank is a great tool.  Mine is full of movie images, things I have written over the years and some not so bad street boobs.  Why not? Sometimes, you need an escape for how ever long, and as long as you are not a total pervert or hurting anyone then spend a little time organizing those files in the spank bank. 

So, in closing those are my thoughts on why people should chill out and be ok with cleaning out pipes, flicking the bean and having some time in the spank bank.  I have to work with a lot of people and it would help if they were in good moods.  No, I’m not naming names.  You know who you are!  I expect good moods all week after this blog.