"When I sneeze I die a little"

So the last two days I have been sicker then I thought possible.  I've been avoiding getting colds this season but how does one avoid stomach flu.  Or food poisoning.  I'm not sure.  Either way I've lost 10 lbs.  That bad.

Yesterday morning at 3:30 I woke up.  I felt a fart but something deep inside told me not to trust it.  Even half asleep I knew something was up.  In the bathroom I soon found that my intuition was not only right...it was dead on.  Not only did I get my period but I got the raging scoots.  I thought I was going to die.  Then I coughed and my stomach did a flop that only means one thing...yep.  I managed to run and get a bag (was not thinking straight) and got back on the bowl just in time to vomit up my lovely salmon, rice and corn dinner.  Again, and again.  Then I soon realised the bag had a hole in it.  Of course it did.  So, while taking a break I went and got a stainless steel bowl and began vomiting into that.  Hours later I was done.  Totally empty on both ends. 

By the end I was yelling as I vomited.  Like my Dad.  I remember when I was a kid, he was in the bathroom screaming.  I was terrified since he never yelled.  My mom said he was throwing up.  This explains when I was a kid why I would bang on the wall when I was sick.  I didn't like to bother anyone or scare the shit out of them like my Dad.  My poor Nana had to explain to my mom that when I puked I hit the walls. Like a crazy person.  (Couldn't see my quirky behaviour emerging could we?)

Today I slept all afternoon.  My back and shoulder muscles are totally pulled.  I made the mistake of sneezing a few times and thought I was going to die.  I'm serious.  Between my head pounding constantly from dehydration and the pulled muscles I was sure I would fall over dead.  I've managed to stop sneezing for now but the fear of it is keeping me in a state of fear. 

I hope to be better by the weekend.  So many plans have been cancelled as well as some job stuff but who wants to be around someone who has lost 10 lbs that fast.  I don't get how super models can vomit that much.  I can hardly talk my throat hurts! 

Anyway, back to life and reality. 

Tuned Out

So today I went with a good friend and her almost 3 year old to the Children’s Museum.  I have to say that on a Sunday it’s almost dead and we could really enjoy watching her daughter play and interact with her without 500 snotty little kids trying to steal toys away or pushing her out of the way.  Anyway, in the City part where the kids can do little jobs, ride little scooters, climb and role play there was a mom there with I think two kids sitting on a bench reading.  Um, I get that its really safe and you don’t have to be on them the entire time they play but really?  Busting out a book while your kids play out in public with other kids around?  Later when we were playing in the sand she walked by with the book.  50 Shades of Grey.  Nice.

Now, I get that I’m not a parent who is with a kid or kids 24/7 but maybe try and look interested while they play and ask to show you something.  I used to spend a lot of time with kids and the one thing that was said to me by a friend a few years ago was “You are very present with him every time you are together.”  It’s true.  In my defense I was there to see kids and spend time with them without the worry of laundry, cleaning the house, dinner and if homework was done.  I got to just enjoy spending time with the kids and getting to know them on a great Buddy level.  It helped me build a great bond with those kids. 

I’ve noticed for a while now how tuned out parents can be.  I do take the bus and see a lot of parents either texting the entire time, listening to music or on the phone not paying any attention to kids.  This would be a perfect time to talk to your kid about school or whatever.  I’ve seen this dad for a few years on the bus and at work.  While he catches the bus with his daughter who is about 10 they talk and almost always read together.  Sometimes she asks questions about the crazy people downtown.  Her Dad always gives her an honest answer like “Honey, that girl is on drugs.  She’s not in a good place.  That’s why she’s screaming and fighting.”  I have to say he’s one of the most present parents I have ever seen in my life. 

The other day I saw this post on Facebook that made me laugh.  I will attach. 

Now how many times have you been out with someone, anyone really and they are either on their phone or checking their phone the entire time.  Or checking their facebook the entire time and commenting on what is going on.  I used to really hate this but now it’s kind of one of those things that if the other person is doing it then I do it.  I kind of hate that about myself.  Then there is the joy of taking pictures of our food even before we taste or enjoy it.  I happen to not mind this.  I love to see what people eat when they go out and since I don’t really go out to eat it’s me living on the edge.  I have a friend who I worked with years ago.  She lives the exciting life of a single girl with a great job in Toronto who goes out to events and dinners in amazing restaurants.  I love her pictures.  She and her brother and the biggest food people I know.  When they went to Spain this year 3 of her food pictures from a market were my backdrops at work on my computer.  I will share one.  The beauty of the all the fruit makes me have a food boner.  

The last three women I have dated have kids.  So I get checking the phone when we are out or together but for the rest of us.  Really?  Do we need to know what’s going on with our friend from College this weekend or who made a killer roast?  Maybe, but not so much when we should really be giving some attention to what we are doing and who we are with.  

 Let’s try and enjoy the ride before we upload where we have been.

New Year

I feel like I need to make the first blog of the year a good one.  I’ve done three different topics so far and I’m not really feeling good about any of them.  I’m a little scattered right now.  Maybe because I had some therapy yesterday.  How’s Gen X of me to blog about my therapy session.  Anyway, the one thing that I realized, well was realized for me, is that right now I feel like I have no control over a lot going on in my life.  With no job I’ve kind of lost my focus.  

I didn’t like a lot of what I was made to think about yesterday.  I tend to shut down after therapy so I can think about what was said.  I’ve opted to take my time thinking about it and haven’t really let it all in even today.  This weekend is busy and now that I’m in the quiet of the house with the pets snoring and my husband pants on I might try to get in a clear head space and think.  A friend gave me the head space talk not long ago, it was nice to put a name to spending time not talking to anyone so you can think.  Talking about issues and feelings can open up a lot of doors and make you see things you have been either looking away from or even running from. 

I’m sure everyone was expecting a list of my resolutions.  Most never change like lose weight, be a better person, try new things and maybe not eat meat again.  I think I’ve broken all of these a few times this year.  It was a bit of a mess of fun, heartbreak and joy.  Every year should have all three of those things.  Yes, even with heartbreak.  Without a few tears we wouldn’t appreciate who we are and what truly does make us happy and full. 

So rather then what I want out of this year I’m going to do a best and worst of 2012. 

The Best

How could it be anything but my addition to the house?  Adopting Norman Earl has been such a wonderful addition to my life.  I didn’t realize how much I missed Maggie and the love a dog in the house provides.  I was so worried about how Fred would react to sharing me but now that we have been a little family for 2 months I still am in awe with how great they get along.  Fred is almost twice the size of Norm and despite Norm sticking his nose up his ass, licking him, chasing him and sleeping with his head up his ass Fred has never raised a paw to him.  It’s like it’s beneath him to hurt the stupid little dog.  Amazing. 

The Worst

This one is a bit of a close call.  I would have to say actually being diagnosed with diabetes is worse than losing my job.  But they have a lot in common.

1. I knew I was going to be losing my job.  There was always hope that something would turn around and I would just slide into another position.  That didn’t happen to the shock of co-workers and a little by myself.  There is hope for the future with going back.  Oddly kind of the same thing happened with diabetes.  I’ve been warned for years about getting it and when it happened...well I was still shocked.  
2. When I was given the news about the diabetes I put on a funny face and embraced it.  My awesome friend made sure I knew what I was doing with blood testing and I put on a good diet and walked a little more to lose some weight.  Then, it hit me that this was going to be my life.  Checking blood, watching sugars, checking my feet and now getting this weird film on my hair.  After the news wore into me, there have been tears and some weight gain.  With losing my job I joked about it a lot.  On my last day when people were upset I was leaving and I had people from other floors coming down to say goodbye I managed to hold it together.  Then my wonderful work Mom hugged me so tight and made me feel so loved.  We both cried and I really couldn’t hold it together.  It was a bad night.  Later she and I talked about why my leaving made her so emotional.  Turns out I was the first person to make her feel welcomed when she started. 
3. So with the Christmas holidays I didn’t really do much job searching.  It’s a shit time of year is next to impossible to try and find that next great new job.  So I’ve been on staycation doing random stuff but nothing too amazing to speak of.  I should be writing more.  Same is true with the diabetes. Who the fuck can watch their diet with pie, deserts, awesome dips and not to mention my mother’s cooking.  Bless her. 

So, basically here i am starting the New Year the way I ended it.  Unemployed and a little heavier.  Amazing.  So in the New Year I plan on doing the following.

1. Lose weight / get healthier.  How can this not be number one?  It’s much needed and one of those things l clearly need to focus on. 
2. Be a better person.  With my new found knowledge about myself I plan to take care of myself, be honest with myself and care of others the best way I can. 
3. Try new things.  I plan on being ok with making more of a fool of myself.  Yes, this could very well mean finally doing stand up.
4. NEST!  I plan on using more of my house.    This is one of those things that is always on my mind but I never know where to start.  I think during my time off I need to step it up and for sure do something with the upstairs of my house and my bedroom.  Good lord!  It’s in need of a paint job. 

Good luck to us all with making this year awesome!

After Christmas too much time thoughts

I think my body is craving healthy food.  I have felt sick for the last day with dry heaves and a little puke here and there.  Puke is not great for the diabetes as it messes royally with your sugars so I need to learn a little about that via the good people at google.  Anyway, my “holiday” has been great as far as food has gone.  I have fallen so far off the meat wagon that my body might shut down the next time it sees kale.  Too little too late?  Anyway, I feel gross.  I love my mothers cooking.  Now that I’ve had to fen for myself for so long I would not mind if she wanted to come here and cook for me all the time.  If I didn’t gain weight over it.  That woman missed her calling.  She makes gravy that will make your heart sing.  I love when she stirs the pot (literally) and turns to me with a sly grin and says “It’s just like pudding.”  That’s when you know it’s going to be good. 

I had a hard time getting out of bed today.  Fred came in at five but after that the alarm went off at 6:30 for half an hour before I could get out of bed to get Norman fed and out.  Down the street we went until he did his usual 3 tootsie roll poop.  When we turned back for home I noticed our foot prints.  Mine and his  alone in the fresh snow.  Despite holding back the urge to vomit, it was one of the sweetest moments I’ve had with him.  Just him and I walking in the snow, big feet and tiny feet.  There is something to be said for that.  Having someone to depend on me.  I think people with kids take that for granted sometimes.  I don’t have kids so for the next however long Fred and Norman Earl are it for me as far as keeping me grounded.

I’ve struggled a lot this holiday season with not working.  It makes me feel a little lost in what I want for the rest of my life.  I’ve missed writing both the blog and jokes.  I need to do both if only for myself but to keep my foot in the door with being creative.  We all have our things I guess.  I don’t think I could spend much time with someone who didn’t have a passion for something creative.  I can’t see someone really wanting to spend time with someone so introverted who needed the space to create and look inward so much.  It’s frustrating for a lot of people who maybe don’t share the same interest.  People seem interested in the end product like the fun blog or a well written joke but the struggle to get there isn’t that fun.  It’s not easy putting pen to paper...or sitting here half nude trying to organize a million thoughts into one or two things to write about. 

I sometimes wonder if I can balance my mind and my life into actually producing something worth reading for the general public.  My English sucks but since I was about 13 I’ve had outlines of characters and stories that I have wanted to write.  I outline whole plots and then move on to the next story idea.  I bet if I could focus I could be on my 10^th book by now.  Every story contains something I find fascinating and want to learn more about.  One is set with a family running a generational funeral home, a reporter who leaves her husband to pursue her dream job and of course being such a Dallas fan a huge sweeping series of a very large rich dysfunctional family.  I picture that one being a made for tv series with all the drama of Dallas with a splash of Days of Our lives. 

Anyway, I’m gross today and thank god for pets who sleep all day.  Chances are I will finish the book my mom loaned me for Christmas and start another one.  As I read on the toilet I will be thinking about maybe someday someone with the mad scoots sitting on the toilet reading a book I wrote to pass the time.  I hope they get lost in it and get hemorrhoids or anal ripping from it being that good. 

Update??

Not sure why I’ve not blogged more.  I’m off work and don’t really have anything big going on.  To say I’m bored is a bit of an understatement.  The fridge has been scrubbed out, laundry is almost always fully up to date and this week I had 7 bags of garbage.  I do have some big projects I could be doing, like painting my bedroom and doing a huge almost a hoarder clean out of my basement and storage area upstairs.  Today, it’s not going to happen.

It’s 3 pm and I’ve yet to shower or nap.  Yes, I nap almost daily and you would think that would be very high on my list of things to do today since it’s cold and rainy.  Instead I listened to music, took almost 4 hours to do my cover letter for a job at work, talked for an hour on the phone with a friend, emptied the dishwasher, bleached the counter tops and thought about what to make for date night dinner.  I should feel unemployed tired.  Instead I feel restless.   I don’t know what I want to do, but I know I have a lot to do. 

Christmas often does that to me.  I like to kind of hibernate around this time of year, staying out of the way of people who love to run around shopping and hitting every sale.  I do enjoy watching them run around making everything perfect for those who either expect more and more of people like me who just don’t get it.  I remember when it was about spending time together and maybe making the time to do something fun, not spending hours in a mall finding what we think is the perfect gift only to be disappointed with the reaction that doesn’t match the one we had in our heads.  I know, I sound like a cynical bitch but I do have a leg to stand on. 

I don’t feel this way because I’ve not showered and smell a little like last night’s Christmas party chicken wings and BO.  I am a people watcher by nature.  I have spent the better part of my life watching people in many situations and how they try so hard only to disappoint themselves.  This year I can’t really afford much of anything for my parents.  That disappoints me but I’ve managed to realize that the 20 seconds it takes  my parents to open a gift could mean something has to give around the house.  Besides, what do you give people who can go out and get whatever they want or need? Every year I get more and more frustrated with what to get the old people.  Honestly, if I was rich I could ship them off on a cruise or some golf adventure.  But slippers and chocolate it is.  They will be fine with it, however when your parents have done so much for you and your friends over the years slippers don’t cut it.

I suppose I should loose this funk by Christmas.  By the funk I mean my mood and not the cheesy smell that hit me when I raised my arm to scratch my head.