I know, it's been a very long time since I've blogged. Catching you bitches up on my life would take a blog entry on it's own. Let's just talk about today.
I'm a year older, it's been a busy week so I put off my women on women helping women by women course homework this week. The topic...The Gremlin. We all have one of more. That voice that tells you how you will fail, you suck and how fat you look in that light blue shirt your mom bought you, thus making you look like the stuffing in an Easter Basket. That voice. It keeps you from doing things and keeps you stuck.
So, my homework was to give it a name, description and really put a face to it. I literally had to think about it for about 20 seconds before I realized mine. Becky. She's a fucking cunt. I hate to pull that word out, as we all know I don't like it. But, that's who Becky is. Rebecca Lynn Bates. Cuntbag of my life.
Here is a little background on Becky. I am an only child and was fairly introverted. When I didn't get attention I would act out and do something...didn't matter what really and my wonderful mother would say "Well who the hell did it then, your twin sister Becky?" Yes. It was Becky. Becky ate the ice cream. Becky did it all.
As I got older and a bitchy teen Becky went from being the one who did the shitty stuff to being the perfect twin. She was the best student, probably thinner then me, had the perm my mother always wanted me to have and dress, well, like a girl. In college when I was acting on my love of boobs and vagina Becky was out there, having responsible safe sex with possibly a few respectful and wonderful young men. (I'm guessing she had a few blow jobs with well hung athletes as well...just for good measure.) I graduated Fanshawe a Library Tech and she Graduated Western as either a nurse or something very sensible like that. I dated a woman much older then me with breast cancer, she dated Chuck, a Med student who I'm sure was blond, healthy and hung like a small pony. I worked afternoons at the airport, hiding from life after my first girlfriend died while Becky was out there nursing people, saving lives and making sure Chucks apartment was perfectly decorated for all the loving and boring sex they were having.
I lived at home, worked my ass off and saved for my shitty house. Becky lived with sensible roommates, drove a hot car and spent weekends planning her wedding to Chuck. I think your getting the picture. Fast forward to now. I have a job I love, making no money and am happily single and childless. Becky and Chuck live in a huge wonderful home, with 2 perfect kids. (Boy and a girl with names also sensible like David and Mary) They don't have to rent out the basement to pay property taxes or ask the vet to give her a week. They have been on amazing vacations and look like they did in University. Becky still saves lives, when she's not being the perfect PTA mom. Whore.
Anyway, so this whole Gremlin thing made me see that that voice that tells me I can't do something, I don't look good or am not good enough if that c-word Becky. She's done it perfect her whole life...why bother Rhonda. Why bother. I am not fully clear on when exactly she went from the kid who ate the ice cream to someone who doesn't exist that I can't seem to live up to. I guess that's going to be something I have to work on with my life coach. Still, Becky woke something up in me today that made me want to blog again and write a few jokes.
In your face Becky!