Sunday, 22 July 2012

Self Pleasure

So yesterday I wrote about self control.  Today I was reminded of a fun fact I saw on the Twitter.  It mentioned that women in their 40’s masturbate more then any other female age range.  This caused me to make a joke about saving my money to go down to part time at work in a few years to accommodate all my new masturbation. 

Before you think I’m going to fully chat about my masturbatory skills in detail let me just say I do believe in the old saying  that “Masturbation and peeing in a pool are the two things we all do but don’t talk about.”  I did hear a fact that there are people out there who actually do not flick the bean at all.  I’m guessing they are the very rude people who work in retail that hate everyone.  Maybe they are also those weirdo people who actually think that it’s up to another person to make them happy in every aspect of their lives.  Trust me, there are people out there who believe if they are not totally made happy by someone constantly in every way, they must not be the right person.  Fuck off. 

In writing this I feel responsible to not put out incorrect information so I googled Health Benefits of Masturbation.  All the articles are for men.  No offense but one guy reads my blog and he’s smart enough to google what cleaning his pipes can do for him.  So, after searching specifically for women I found an article with some good facts.  Ladies and gay guy.  Prepare to learn something about lady vagina health.

  1.  Masturbation helps prevent cervical infections and helps relieve urinary tract infections. So apparently if you clean out the lady pipes on a regular basis you can help prevent lady town infections.  I can see that.  Also, cleaning out the pipes is important.  After saying that I picture a clogged sink.
  2. Masturbation is associated with improved cardiovascular health and lower risk of type-2 diabetes.  I was about to call bullshit on this one.  If this were true and I knew about it before my last blood test before I was informed of my Beats, I would have been flicking the bean for days before hand.  Sadly, now that I’ve thought about it...perhaps I should step up my game.  My alone game that is.  I’m guessing it could also lower my cholesterol as well.  So, that’s something too.
  3. ·  Masturbation can help work against insomnia naturally, through hormonal and tension release.   This really should be the first one.  Who hasn’t been stuck awake at night thinking about the stressful day, you get up, watch a bad movie, have a bowl of mini wheat’s and facebook creep an ex who you found out is getting married this September 10 years after you were the first girl she experimented with.  It’s not me doing that.  I can’t eat mini wheat’s anymore.  Anyway, why not just skip all those steps, open the spank bank and have a talk with the man in the boat?  Also, who hasn’t had a stressful day at work?  You could go for a walk or to the gym, maybe vent with some friends.  Or you could once again open up the spank bank and take out that frustration on the man in the boat.  If by this point you don’t get that the man in the boat is your clitoris you might need to stop reading now and call it a night.  I have had a friend or two over the years ask me why I’m so good natured and calm when they are intense and angry.  See number 3.
  4. ·  Orgasm increases pelvic floor strength. There are people who are reading this who have yet to hit that wonderful lady time when you choose not to sneeze, cough or laugh just in case you spritz.  Trust me, at some point this will happen to you and if you manage to kick out a few pups or have an issue it will happen often.  Keeping those muscles tight is important for as long as you can.  I am not saying get those creepy ball things they sell at sex parties that look like huge marbles.  Crocks.  HA!  I picture people using them during the day at work and then sneezing and blowing one out a pant leg.  Sorry.  Anyway.  This is important. 
Also this article talks about the touchie feelings that go with pipe cleaning.  I believe they call it emotional benefits.  I guess we should discuss the emotions or lack there of that can happen when you self love yourself.

  1.  ·  Relieves stress and improves mood.  No shit. We did cover this earlier but aside from the physical there is the letting go that can happen when the bean has been flicked.  Rather than just letting go, sometimes you need a little help.  Also, how can you not cut some of a shitty mood after you have an orgasm?  I’m semi thinking the horny boyfriend with the bitchy girlfriend might have a good point.  Give in ladies.  He could be right. She writes that masturbation can help relieve emotional stress by taking time for ourselves, amidst the demands of home, family, and work.
  2. Strengthens our relationship with ourselves. Well, I have been saying since my lady course that I need to take better care of myself and put myself first.  If this has something to do with that I missed that week in my Women helping Women course.  And I would have been up for it.  Just sayin.  So, when we do our thing we nurture ourselves on emotional and physical levels.  This apparently causes us to gain confidence and grow through self-awareness.  I don’t know about confidence.  Being a great masturbator is not something I will be bragging about in the lunch room.  However, being in charge of yourself in any way is a great step to fulfillment.
  3. Strengthens sexual relationship with partner.  I can’t tell you how many of my straight in relationship at some point or married lady friend have told me stories of catching Mr. Wonderful spanking the monkey off either into a good hand towel or using all their expensive conditioner to beat off in the shower.  So clearly Dudes have a higher drive then ladies.  But I have also had a few stories of ladies who...needed the job done right.  Before or during a relationship it’s important to know what you like.  So many women will just let some Dude or woman for that matter plod around down in lady town without any direction.  You try and hook up a TV, VCR, DVD, game system and surround sound with no help or instruction.  I rest my case on that shit.  Tell the person you are stoomping what you want and need.  Don’t waste time letting them find the key to that cat box.
  4. Fantasy and a break from real life.  When you spend the day working in a busy stressful environment sometimes you want to come home and picture a half nude Terri Clark bent over a pool table telling you how great you are. put that image in the spank bank.  The spank bank is a great tool.  Mine is full of movie images, things I have written over the years and some not so bad street boobs.  Why not? Sometimes, you need an escape for how ever long, and as long as you are not a total pervert or hurting anyone then spend a little time organizing those files in the spank bank. 
So, in closing those are my thoughts on why people should chill out and be ok with cleaning out pipes, flicking the bean and having some time in the spank bank.  I have to work with a lot of people and it would help if they were in good moods.  No, I’m not naming names.  You know who you are!  I expect good moods all week after this blog.

Saturday, 21 July 2012

Self Control

So since getting The Beats I’ve done my best to avoid any sort of food that I would have loved before.  I might have stood over a coworkers pizza on Tuesday sniffing it and mentally making love to it.  Another day everyone got Mc Donalds and I stood in the middle of the room sniffing the air and dreaming slightly about an apple pie.  There was a moment I would have taken a fry from anyone in that room, even if I had to fish it out of their mouths myself.  I however was good.  I felt good for most of the week getting all the crap out of my system.  I did have subway Friday and “meat”.  Tuna didn’t do much for me and left me feeling...gassy.  I do fart quite a fair bit but the meat in my system seemed to help my usual gas get a little more help.

I think I’m good so far because I’ve yet to hit my period.  Will see how that week goes.  I guess I will have to watch myself and any chocolate in the building.  I also crave bread...mostly pizza when I am on my period.  I don’t know if it’s even possible for me to have pizza at this point.  That just made me think of garlic bread.  Yes, I mentally just had sex with garlic bread with cheese.    Maybe a little bacon.  This is a far cry from the dinner I had tonight.  Broccoli, kale, brown rice and the 4th best cob of sweet corn I think I have ever had.  It was a good dinner.  Not the type of meal I would have had before but I’m slowly realizing that it’s going to be the way I am going to be eating for the rest of my life.  I need to get a little more inventive but as an eternal rebel following a recipe is against my nature.

It’s funny.  I think about trying to maintain a little food self control and realize that in the past months I’ve had exceptional self control not falling back into old patterns with old friends.  I’ve been adamant not to be sucked back into things that did not serve me well at all.  As hard and painful as that has been, I now see a lot of the good that has come out of my choice to change my focus.  I have made great new friends, old positive friends have drifted back and most of all, I have learned more about myself. 

Today I gave serious thought to heading to the store for ice cream.  I really wanted some ice cream.  But that would have started me back to going down a road that would have left me feeling gross for most of the weekend, thus needing more ice cream.  Maybe some peanut butter cups.  Cause that has clearly worked for me in the past.  I find myself trying to draw some similarities between my issues with food and times that I have been stuck in bad relationships.  The only thing I can think of is that in the past, I wasn’t willing to learn the tools that were left for me. 
I know at some point I will crack and cheat.  But I won’t give up.

Sunday, 15 July 2012

The Beats

All weekend I’ve been thinking that I need to say something about being diagnosed with Diabetes.  Or, The Beats as I call it.  It wasn’t a surprise.  I’ve been joking and talking about it for weeks but somehow when the doctor was actually telling me while printing off referrals and prescriptions I was shocked.  I guess because this time I didn’t dodge a bullet again.  I felt like crying but managed to hold it in and thinking about all the things I had to do when I finally got back to work. 

I have an amazing friend who was clearly ready for my text after getting out of the doctors.  She pretty much insisted that over lunch she show me the correct way to use my blood tester   and make sure I knew what I was doing.  I think that is the part that really made me want to cry.   And even thinking about it makes me well up a little.  Yes this friend is a nurse and didn’t flinch when I bled on her hand while my hands were shaking with nerves.  “They” say knowledge is power, well having someone behind you making sure you are doing what you should be doing and that you know they are there to help you, that is some powerful shit.    

I cried a bit about it yesterday.  I’m a sensitive girl so it’s what I do.  I was thinking that I had warnings in the past years but didn’t ever seem to take it seriously.  It’s almost like a slutty girl walking through a bar with a mini skirt on thinking no one will touch her ass.  My ass just got full on double fingered with The Beats.  Clearly the last year I’ve been thinking more about my health.  I went off meat for a month, thus causing me to cut way the hell back on meat.  Today if you were to come and spot check my freezer the only meat I have is a 7 lb roast.  That is it.  No emergency chicken breasts behind the ice,  no freezer burnt fish and no bacon.  So I guess I’m off meat again. 

After watching Forks over Knives again I keep thinking that this is going to be my deal.  Trying to take a whole foods no animal way to get fit and maybe reverse what is going on with me.   My poor pancreas is exhausted.  And can I just say that on the first try I spelled pancreas right.  Fuck YEAH!  Anyway, if you watch the documentary they make amazing points on eating things from animals and processed foods.  With so many overweight and obese people in the world and my love of chunky women you would think I would get more action.  I will be doing my own documentary about this at some point. 

So this weekend has been spent trying to get my mind around my lifestyle change and what this all means for the rest of my life.  A few things come to mind off the fly. 
  1.  I’m going to have to enjoy salad.
  2. Treating myself is going to have to be few and far between.  No more having some chocolate to celebrate breathing and bowel movements.
  3. Exercise will become part of my life.  I might have to start taking the stairs no matter how heavy I breath after.
  4. Friends who love to eat with me will have to support and understand that I can’t meat up all the time anymore.  Also...I hear Wendy’s has salads.

The past few weeks I have been having some baby dreams which means something big and new.  This was not what I had in all!  I was hoping for a lottery win or a sweet new lady friend with nice tits. 

Wednesday, 4 July 2012


So today we did workshops without air conditioning.  It was super sticky.  I was cranky and as predicted I got a little bit of the scoots.  I'm sure I'm made of chocolate.  Anyway, I don't have air at home and have managed to do ok with just ceiling fans, walking around nude and cold showers. 

The last two days on my way home I've seen some sad shit.  When the bus went under the underpass on Richmond I saw two homeless guys laying in the shade of the underpass walk way.  I couldn't help but feel sad.  I can lay in my semi comfortable bed and sweat.  An underpass??  Today I saw a drunk guy laughing to himself sitting on the steps of a closed bar.  It's 4 pm.  Call me a prude but that just didn't seem right.

I keep reminding myself how lucky I am.  I currently have a job, a house, a cat and good people in my life that I like to think would never let me sleep under an overpass to keep cool.  Then again I'm sure some people would rather take in Fred.

Once my air is in, maybe I will wear clothes again.

Monday, 2 July 2012


So thanks to one of my blog followers...let’s call her KKK.  KKK pointed out that I had accidentally erased a few posts.  Dick knob here thought I was cleaning out the drafts of shit that didn’t make it to the blog.  Things like my dreams of giving blow jobs to JR Ewing and dreams of being married with 3 kids who destroy my house and I run away in a truck giving blow jobs away to truckers.  No one wants to read that.

Anyway, I wrote about love yesterday so let me try and recap that. 

So, my lady friends best friends from University who have been together for 17 years were getting married on Saturday.  They have two kids 8 and 10 and have an amazing house.  Anyway, one of the ladies came to get Diane very early Saturday morning.  I chatted with her when Diane was running around getting ready.  I asked “So, are you nervous about the big day?”  This woman that I’ve never met before looked calm and cool sipping her coffee.  “Naw, after 17 years my only worry is that my grandma doesn’t fall in the pool again.”  (Apparently Grandma has fallen in the pool 3 times so far, twice in the winter.  Anyway,  since Diane was taking for-fuckin-ever I asked “How did you guys get together?”  She smiled like I had just reminded her of the best story ever.  “Well we lived in the same building when we were at Western.  We saw each other all the time but we never said anything to each other.  I think we smiled but both looked retarded when we did.   So first day of 2nd year I was in Canadian history and she walked in late.  She saw me at the back and sat at the first seat that she could find.  Then 5 minutes later she gets up, while the Professor is talking packs up her stuff.  I thought she was in the wrong class and leaving but she turns around, looks me dead in the eye and walks up and sits beside me.  I thought I was going to puke.  After the class we walked out together and all I could say was “Hi.”  So, we walked back to our building together, went to her apartment and made out.   We switched roommates a week later and that was it.”  She then added “So that’s why we are getting married Canada Day Weekend, since we met officially in Canadian History Class.”  Is that not fuckin cute?  I’m so lonely.

From what I know about these two ladies they have managed to stay in love after 17 years.  Despite having kids, busy jobs, coaching and taking care of Grandma a few times a week.  Life is hard enough and I’ve seen with many friends the first thing to go is putting each other first.  Diane talked about then one night like they were to be put on some amazing pedestal of lesbian love.  I don’t think there is any right way to be married but I think when you have been through a bad break up or divorce when you see people doing it so well, you wish you had that.  Anyway, these two have taken amazing care of their relationship.  Diane said they still have sex...with each other, they take weekends away (which mostly consists of sending the kids away and not answering the door) and get this, they don’t leave the house without saying “I love you.”  Diane rolled her eyes when she told me that.  I can’t help but be slightly jealous of that.  I mean after 17 years? 

A friend told me last week that when I meet the right person, look out.  I thought about it and appreciate that.  I don’t mean to say I’m old but I think when you can fully appreciate someone and what they bring to your life, and not what you feel like you give up to be with them, it must feel like a good deal.  I guess with love, you decide what you do with it.  Are you going to build it, take care of it and protect it?  Or are you going to take it, expect it and demand it be the way you want it? 

Again, the choice is yours.