Saturday, 31 December 2011

A sign...

New Years Eve.  I wasn't going to blog tonight.  Mostly because who's the lame chick who is sitting at home alone in her pink and black checked PJ pants listening to a mix of music from Jann Arden to Kenny Rogers drinking diet coke.  Yes Shaun, I know all the words of Islands in the Stream and don't pretend you don't either.  

So I have been all about going with my gut and seeing where life is pointing me the last month or so.  It's been nice to put my energy to new places.  In February I am doing some life coach Womyn on Womyn thing (no one will be going down on me so...) where women provide life coaching and help reaching a goal.  It's 50 bucks for 13 weeks and to be honest it's basically free considering if I was to pay some professional bitch to listen to me rant about my issues it would be really pricey.  (I know the lunch room at work is free Katherine...still.)

Anyway, there have been many signs for the longest time for me to deal with my weight.  I've had chances and looked the other way.  I'm not going to get really deep on this because no one needs that but I was thinking today that if life were a series of movies I would be the supportive fat best friend.  Think about it.  They have the best jokes, blend in the background until they are needed for some comic relief and then back they go.  This has been my life.  I think back as far as public school and that was me.  Best Friend in a Supporting Role.  Now that I think about things...I have hidden in that role for years and been far too comfortable in it.

So aside from gaining weight I lost and the usual weight loss I keep getting signs.  Let's list them off.  (Get a drink Katherine)  I'm missing some but these are newish and what I can remember.

1.  Idea to not eat meat for a month.  During the no meat time...I felt better.
2.  Super Size me movie gave me a good scare about fast food.
3.  Ricardo told me to watch Food Inc.  Changed my view of meat and how we view our food and such.
4.  Co-worker gave me the movie Forks over Knives.  This could be a blog on it's own but in a long and short of it they didn't bash treatment of animals but the proof that eating a meat and animal product free diet works wonders on your system and can reverse some bad effects of a diet with meat.  Fun nerd fact about me, I love anything WW2.  There were some statistics about Norway and the Nazi's that made me pay attention.  This was my hook.
5.  Ordered the book from Forks over Knives and got major support from friend about a change.

This last one is a piss your pants kind of WTF sign.  So a student who used to work with us is on my FB and thinks I'm great.  So she and her partner wanted to set up a friendship with a co-worker friend and I.  I creep this person on FB and find that she looks like someone but I can't place it.  Then after messaging with my friend she reminds me.  She was on a low budget Canadian weight loss show that I watched every episode of.'s a bit of a weirdo sign but come on!  If people from Canadian weight loss shows are coming into my life...fucking sign!

So be ready for hardcore Rhonda in the new year.  Going to be eating about 90% less meat and almost nothing from animals.  I know...I'm not saying it will be perfect but I've got some huge plans for the rest of my life.  I'm guessing the next 6 months will start with me being a huge cranky bitch wishing she could eat bacon every second...but after that we could be good??

Here is to not looking back and judging ourselves too harshly.  


Saturday, 17 December 2011

Time of year...

I really used to love Christmas and all the stuff that went with it.  The tree, food, family and friends.  To be honest, getting stuff was a good deal too.  I don't know fully when that changed.  I think maybe when my Nana died.  She was fun at Christmas.  I remember spending Christmas eve with her to put the turkey in late for her.  It was that fuckin huge and heavy.  Nana could cook the shit out of a turkey and make roasted potatoes that should have been put on a food show with chef's asking in a very over dramatic way "How does she do that?"  I've tried to roast a potato the way she did...not even close.

The last few years I've been overwhelmed with getting my parents (who do a ton for me all year round) the right gifts.  That never fuckin works out.  This year...
Ok, so my mother hinted to me she and Dad wanted a good coffee maker with a thermos so they could take it downstairs.  So, off I go and get a 100 dollar one at Walmart.  Can I just say I don't even drink coffee due to the scoots.  Anyway, then I see a better one 50 bones cheaper at the Bay online.  So I get that one also thinking I would take the Walmart one back.  Then I am in a store telling my mom about this amazing TV deal and she tells me that she and my father got themselves a new coffee maker when they went to the states.  I've never wanted to punch her in the face more.  "I didn't think you would get us one," was her response to that.  "Well Ma, I've got you two so far."  This is so going to effect me changing their diapers.

I'm not a great shopper.  I hate it.  I can find great things for myself and to be honest I do pick a few things up for myself this time of year.  I got myself a super mega awesome deal on a big screen TV that I will tell anyone about if they move slowly enough.  I was due to get a TV that was a good size and didn't make a loud buzz when it was on.

This year, well I've not been close with the kids in my life.  That could have something do with my mood this year.  Due to "life" the last month has been very hard but also opened my eyes to this next phase of my life.  

Just between us I'm a little worried about the new year.  I've signed up for this free women on women (spelled extra lesbian womyn) course in February.  I wish it was some hard core once a week rug munching but sadly its a life coaching thing.  I know...sounds lame but I think having someone to account for my "self work" would be good.  I'd still rather have my rug munched.

I have a nasty cold right now so many that is making me all sassy tonight.  Who knows.  All I do now is that right now I'm far to content being alone.  I did put up a little tree and am addicted to the fire place channel.  Sitting on the sofa with a book petting my cat (not vagina) seems to be all I want to do.

I'm guessing I will blog more this week...

Monday, 5 December 2011

My Vagina

Maybe it's my period but today I'm home sick.  I almost fainted so I opted to stay home and be gross here.  I was thinking about the book The Vagina Monologues today.  Not sure exactly why that popped in my head but I'm sure it had something to do with my own vagina who's being a total C word right now.  Anyway, I read most of the book a long time ago and there was a part or two asking about your vagina's personality.  "If your vagina could talk what would it say?"  "If your vagina could get dressed what would it wear?"  WTF?  I get that it's to empower women about their sexuality, much like those weird parties in the 70's and 80's where you squatted over a mirror and took a look at old Tootsie Bell.  I wonder how many of our Mom's went to those "Tupperware" parties?  

Let me just say that I've not been to University and I don't have a big psychology degree but I am a that kind of makes me an expert on Vagina Studies.  I am also an expert at being a woman...and we all have our issues.  I don't get why giving your vagina her own personality and issues is helpful.  Then you have two women (unless you have given your vagina a man personality) with body issues.  Lets talk about having a vagina with a man personality.  Think about a straight guy.  He may have some body issues but honestly he's so fuckin happy to get laid he keeps that to himself and just goes for it.  I can honestly remember feeling not so bad about 10 years ago and doing the same once or twice.  (There was this baseball was lesbian heaven.)  Anyway, now I've actually turned away from advances due to body issues.  I don't need to stand over a mirror to get some self esteem back either, *shivers* we are way past that.

I am thinking the older I get the more accepting I get.  I remember being 25 with a huge long list of the things Miss Right Now should have.  The list was long and impossible for any one to hit more then 5 things on it.  These days my list is down to breathing and employed.  I'm starting to think employed is asking a bit too much.  Maybe living off a good package or at the top of the EI amount?  I'm about ready to take anyone.  

That brings us back to my vagina.  Much like my own alias my vagina's name is Robin.  She's a shy girl who hates long hair, pants and salad.  She is an introvert looking for someone special to bust in and shake things up.  (Not literally Shaun).  I think if she could talk she would say "Stop looking at me."  As for what she would wear.  Shorts, sandals and one of the T-shirt attached.  

Sunday, 4 December 2011

Bad Ass

You totally know your a bad ass when you air guitar to Mary Chapin Carpenter.  Yeah...that is how I'm spending my Sunday night.  In my defence I have my

For the past few weeks I've been feeling so disconnected with some friends causing me to review our friendship.  I keep trying to be understanding and positive, but there is just so much sunshine I can blow up my own ass.  My back hurts and I don't really bend that way.  

Tonight I was listening to Mary Chapin and thinking...she's one of those lady singers that you can't help but listen to and be touched in some way.  Lame as it sounds but I was listening to the song Quittin Time.  It's about ending a relationship and in a way with what I feel that I'm watching and feeling myself, needless to day it applies.

Stupid rain and stupid period has made me this way tonight.  Don't worry...I will be back to normal soon.  Until then, can I just say that life is too short to not take a moment to maintain the wonderful things that drew you to someone special.  Don't take advantage of a friends love...

Hey baby tell me what we're gonna do
It's getting crazy and I need some help from you
We were so connected that you were a part of me
Now I feel an emptiness right to the heart of me

But you pretend and I pretend
That everything is fine
And though we should be at an end
It's so hard admittin'
When it's quittin' time

Hey baby I'm running out of things to say
Please don't hate me this feeling just won't go away
Now we're spending all our time caught in a fantasy
Just trying to keep in mind the way it used to be

But you pretend and I pretend
That everything is fine
And though we should be at an end
It's so hard admittin'
When it's quittin' time

But you pretend and I pretend
That everything is fine
And though we should be at an end
It's so hard admittin'
When it's quittin' time

Sunday, 27 November 2011

PMS at it's best??

You know when something bad happens and it shocks your body?  You feel this pain in your chest and try and hold it together.  Right now I feel like I’m walking up stairs holding in the biggest messiest shit anyone has ever taken.  Can’t walk to fast or you will work it out, can’t go too slow cause people will know what’s up with your ass.  I’m covered in sweat trying to breathe and make it to the bathroom in time.  It’s not looking good right now at all for that.  Why?  Period poops.  And…I’ve just shit.  Shit flowing all over and I can hardly keep up with the flow.  This would all be emotionally speaking of course.  My pants, if I was wearing any, are free from any fecal matter.

I’ve had a hard go the last few weeks.  Emotionally that is.  I’m trying to figure out why.  My immaturity or lack of ability to deal with my feelings in a non eating, making jokes and crying thus producing enough snot to put any glue company out of business.  I don’t think I’ve mentioned that I’m an ugly crier and can make snot in 2.7 seconds.  I don’t mean “oh, my nose is running.”  I mean full on sinus congestion that would baffle the leading ear, nose and throat experts in the country.  It’s not sexy.  Fairly sure I should know by now to have that nose spray on hand to avoid the rest of my day being filled with grossness.  This would be why I never watch chick flicks with woman I’m interested in. 

So today I’ve made the executive decision to stay at home this afternoon, blog out some feelings (without graphics) and turn my frustration into bleaching the shit out of this house.  I’m guessing if I stay on track this will be 50 pages and my house will be amazingly clean.  I might end up taking a serious turn here and sadly you will be roped into my own processing and therapy.  Sorry in advance…maybe alter your snack or get more food.  This could be a long one.

Let’s start with a question.  When a friendship is literally sucking the life out of you, what do you do?  Do you wait it out and see if things change or do you say “Nice working with you” and move on.  Right now I’m sticking with the first one.  Why?  Well, despite being sucked so dry I’m moisturizing twice a day the friend in need is in a crisis of their own.  I feel like despite my feelings of total neglect and being used that I would be leaving a sinking ship with people yelling for help on it.  Or like when a spouse is diagnosed with a terrible illness and the other person says “Yeah, didn’t sign up for this…so I’m gonna go.”  If we knew that person we would all hate that person.  Then again have we all known the opposite??  “I don’t know how they stick it out; they are so brave and wonderful.  I couldn’t do it.”  Who hasn’t said “I couldn’t do it” a 1000 times?  Well, in this case I’ve done it and I don’t see a fucking medal.  No parade with costumes, candy and BBQ at the end.  Nothing.  Wait…that’s not true.  I’ve had a lot of great memories and moments…but when you’re exhausted who can see that.  You need time to remember why you were there to begin with.  Sadly, I don’t think I can ask for that time.  I may just have to be the coward and bow out for a bit. 

The older I get the more I realize that you create your own life and the people you want in it.  We are stuck with family but the rest of the people are open season.  I have people in my life, wonderful friends who I wouldn’t know what to do without at times.  These are not those people and have not been for some time. 

Can I just say that while I was writing this and having a pity party I got a sign from baby Jesus himself??  So, I’m down in the dumps when I had the opportunity on the Twitter to have…wait for it…Jann Arden follow me.  I took it and now…wait for it…Jann Arden is following this snot filled bitch on twitter!  I will have to step up the jokes and funny lines.  This is a sign that when life hands you fucked up bitches, there is always a Canadian Singer waiting to follow you on Twitter! 

This post is bi-polar and I love it.

Wednesday, 23 November 2011


I wanted to give a shout out to one of my biggest supporters with my blog and my jokes. 

Happy Birthday to Katherine who encouraged me to write my blog and gotten me a few new followers.

Thank you for making work fun and getting my smart ass jokes.

Happy Birthday!


Monday, 14 November 2011


Today and yesterday there were several moments when I wanted a hug.  Not a short quick one but a good 20 to 40 second one.  I think when your stressed or sad it should be like that moment in Waiting to Exhale.  Without the love and stuff.  When you hug someone all that bad energy weighing you down either goes up or gets sucked into the other person for all I care.  But, for a moment or two that hug takes it away.  Basic human contact.

As a single girl getting a hug is almost impossible.  If I didn't work with a few huggie people I may never get a hug.  I think one of the people I work with gets this and give up hugs like they are candy at Halloween.  It's not a sexual thing at all, it's just understanding that rather then being a bitch, getting drunk or whatever your vice is you give it up for a few moments.  As I don't have someone to come home to I can't just walk in the door and say "I need a hug" or give one when asked.  When life gets a little much this would be nice.  The older I get the more I realize you really do have to ask for what you want and let people know what you expect and need.  Playing a guessing game doesn't do anything.

Why am I being so deep?  Aside from popping a huge zit in my armpit today I've watched a few friends with struggles.  I don't share many of mine but listening to a few close friends and sharing their pain and to be selfish, how it will effect my life has been a bit of a downer and drain the last week.  I am an only child after all so I kind of need to know how it's going to play out for me.  After that, I can help you out. 

I wonder sometimes if "special" people who run up and give everyone hugs are happier.  They don't seem to have any worries in the world when they are grabbing you up for a big hug.  I wonder if we all just grabbed each other for a hug...

I do want to just say that these hugs are just hugs.  Not bill 168 hugs.  Just nice non rubbing dirties together hugs. 

Sunday, 6 November 2011

Changing of the blanket

Almost 20 years ago as a teen I fell in love.  Sometimes you see it...and you know it.  It belongs to you and you belong to it.  I am of course talking about my ugly yet much loved blanket.  I have not named it or anything but it's just always just been there.  Replaced here and there for a duvet in the cold but right back when weather permits.  I should say that years ago I saw this homely blanket in the JC Penny catalogue and begged my mother for weeks to order it.  When it came it was perfect!  Perfect for my budding lesbian hormones with it's flannel feel and checks.  I'd attach a photo but I don't want to be fully judged.  Anyway, the feel of it and the weight of it was perfect and has been perfect for years.  It fits perfectly into a duvet cover so no one knows just how ugly it is.

The last month despite being hot at times at night I was getting colder and colder.  Also, the blanket was getting more used looking then a Dundas and English street hooker the day after cheque day.  It wasn't great.  Yesterday as I was washing my bedding it hit me that when I was unemployed I bought a Nate Burkus blanket that was packed away upstairs.  It was a king size impulse by and did I mention was marked down from 100 bucks to 25.  I put it in the dryer for 20 minutes with half a bounce sheet and waited to see how I would feel about changing.  As I made my bed up I avoided eye contact with my old blanket...half hanging out of a duvet cover.  It looked like it was trying to crawl out between the buttons...begging for another chance.

Needless to say I've had two amazing naps this weekend with my new blanket as well as one good nights sleep.  It's not too warm or heavy and can be turned two ways.  Not sure what goes with the rustic orange but at this point its all new so it doesn't matter.  I have yet to pick up my old blanket.  I know that after all these years it has now been down graded to a company blanket or for the kids when they sleep over.  That's kind of sad considering almost every woman I've had sex with has been on or under that blanket.  I might omit that should anyone ask. 

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Vagina Music

Tomorrow is a big day for me.  I get to scratch something off my bucket list!  I am going to leave early and meet Jann Arden with my best friends.  Super excited.  I have always loved Jann and her take on life.  Yesterday when I was home sick *cough cough* I ran to Coles and got a copy.  I had also ordered a copy but that has yet to come and I could not wait...I love her that much.

I hate Vagina Music.  I'm not very lesbian that way.  I openly laugh at CD's like Women in Song and Lilith Fair.  I only like Melissa Etheridge early on before she was all gay and open about it.  There is just something about being super mega female that scares me.  I have never dated but am intrigued by those lesbians who believe in sister hood and non shaving of anything.  Years ago I saw a pair of them at Call the office.  Hairy pits, short hair and more pride then a semi professional drag queen.  They were so in love with each other.  All young, full of hope and body smells.  I don't think I've ever been in love enough with anyone to be OK with that much body hair.  I didn't even want to think of their early 20's snatches.  I'm guessing if they had no time to find shirts with sleeves or deodorant shaving tootsie belle was not something they were into.

I know a couple in their late 40's who think it's gross to shave tootsie belle.  (I am calling the vagina tootsie belle as this is how my Nana referred to mine.)  Now they seem to believe that shaving is somehow making your tootsie like that of a childs.  Looking at these two old married lesbian I am picturing them dry humping stuck together like Velcro shoes.  They are so against it that in the 10 years they have been married I don't think they have done more then a light trim.  I gag at the thoughts of that dueling hot mess!

So, I've scrubbed, shaved and moisturized.  Tomorrow I will be feeling like I'm at my best with no dead skin when I meet Jann.  I plan on saying something witty but with my luck will catch sight of cleavage and mumble something stupid about toes as I hand her my book.

Lets hope that does not happen...but it might.

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Sad News

As some of you know from my previous blogs I am rather attached to my neck pillow Martha and my between the knee pillow Ruth Ann.  Sadly, Ruth Ann and I have ended things and for the low price of 20 dollars I have now replaced both her and my hug pillow (Vicky).  I am please to welcome Large Marge to my bed.  She's the biggest body pillow I have ever seen in my life and tonight I will look forward to figuring out how to get to know her.  I hope she helps both my lower back and my need for a good cuddle.  If not...I guess I will beg Ruth Ann and Vicky for a 2nd chance.


Saturday, 22 October 2011

Book Sale Deep Thoughts

I don't know where this blog is going and clearly I'm not great at updating it right now but today I was thinking and it came around to body issues.

Little back story.  So yesterday after work I went to the yearly friends of the library book sale and found a Carpenters Biography.  Now, I don't need judgement right now but I love all things Carpenters.  I really do.  The only Christmas album I will listen to is the Carpenters and on occation (maybe like now) I put on my Carpenters mix and belt out some songs alone in my house.  Now, say what you will about the corny sappy tunes of this slightly creepy brother and sister but Karen Carpenter had a voice that really can't be matched.  If you listen hard enough and give it a chance she makes it sound effortless.  It got me thinking today.

So I was on the bowl reading my new to be Carpenters Biography following intently as the author tried to tie anything to why she got an eating disorder.  I remember watching a bad made for TV movie and tied in with the book remember someone calling her the chubby little sister.  I got to thinking that it doesn't matter how great you are at something...if you don't have the right look it's just shit. 

I'm guessing no one reading this is a semi closeted Carpenters fan like me so you might want to stop reading now.  For those of you who are or have any understanding I was thinking if Karen had of gotten some help soon and lived, well the Carpenters would have been fucked.  Their music was really a snap shot of a time that was craving something other then crazy 70's music.  Not many people from the 70's lasted very long and I really don't think they would have either.  Chances are they would have done sappy albums, bad tours and by 2011 would be working the seniors home crowd.  I'm fairly sure they would be hated.  I guess maybe in a sick way it was for the best.

Weirdest topic so far.  I know.  Still, I dare anyone to listen to Rainy Days and Mondays and not admit you have never felt what that song is saying.  Without the depressing sax solo.

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Back on the bone

That title is for that special man out there who loves a good bag.  ;-)

Well we can assume one thing from me eating meat again, I totally dropped the ball on this blog.  I did get busy and had an amazing weekend.  Maybe it was the Ikea high or a slight meat high...either way I'm back.

So Sunday I was family free so I put pants on and enjoyed a beautiful drive to Ikea where I made many purchases.  I kind of cock blocked Ry Ry (to protect the innocent) and after talking him into getting red sheets I jumped on his doubt at the check out and purchased them for myself.  I also got a side sleeper pillow I call Martha.  Since I'm getting older I needed Martha to balance out Ruth Anne who sleeps between my knees to balance out my spine.  I hope they grow to be fast friends.

My first meat...well it was a tiny bit of bacon on the top of some potato skins before I moved on to a buffalo chicken sandwich that I got covered in honey garlic.  Was amazing.  The bun was a bit much so after 2 bits I just ate the meat.  Was very good and worth the wait.  I can't wait to have honey garlic wings.  Anyway, the next day I cooked for Rex, (lets call him that since is more manly) we had a stuffed turkey breast that I then put bacon on top of.  Now, if you have never done this...your a ball washer and really need to give it a shot.  Amazing extra flavor to the turkey.  Do it!  People really need to get in touch with their inner Paula Deen.  I want her to cook for me, then rub my back while reading to me until I fall asleep.  Nothing sexual...ish.

So since being back on the meat I've not over done it or anything.  I've had a chicken salad sandwich.  Last night I didn't crave meat at all.  I know!  I figured the first week I'd be dry humping a cow.  I'm not even trying to heavy pet a fish.  I was shocked at my own lack of interest in meat.  Seriously.  I still have bacon in the fridge and have not made a Murirhondonator.  

Murirhondonator:  A breakfast sandwich named for Murial Harris and Rhonda Bates consisting of bacon and a slightly runny egg.  On on piece of toast you have ketchup and on the other a skim coat of jam.  Salty and sweet.  

This sandwich could explain my less then slim figure...but it made my Nana happy when we created it.  ;-)

Saturday, 8 October 2011

Day 30

Tomorrow I get meat!  I'm excited.  I'm more excited to go to Ikea but I'm also preparing myself for the meat and what it could do to my newly cleaned out system.  So, being anal retentive I've found my murse and am packing it with imodium, advil (for my bad feet) and reading materials so my little meat brother does not leave me by the side of the road for talking too much.

I will do my best to take pictures of my first meat experience but it might happen very quickly.  Kind of a one shot deal.  Like a boys first time.  I imagine that happens really fast until they learn to go over baseball stats in their heads right??

Is it weird that I want to go to bed so early?  My mother already called to say she's having an awkward time away.  I now don't feel guilty about my choice to do my own thing.  Sometimes you have to be selfish with yourself.  It's also a bit of a protection thing with me but I am very happy to do my own thing. 

Off I go.  I spa'd up and shaved the legs.  A girl makes better time when you shave your legs.

Friday, 7 October 2011

Day 29

There were several times I never thought I would get to Day 29.  So glad.  Going into this long weekend I'm super tired from a long slow day at work.  It was so quiet.  Also the office didn't smell like that was a good deal.  ;-)

I'm more then ready to sleep in tomorrow (after I let Fred in) and I hope it's past 7 am.  I seriously can't wait.  I also am thrilled to not be taking the cotton pony to Ikea on Sunday.  I don't think I would go if I was...then again I also think women should get a tax break if they have a period.  That shit gets expensive!  This would be why I get excited when Shoppers busts out with a tampon sale.

I'm really all over tonight.  I'm semi focused on telling my cousin, who I love that I won't be going to Thanksgiving thus missing meeting her new baby.  I'm trying to either think of a good excuse or how to say "I'm not fucking impressed with this family right now" but in a nice way.  Not sure how to clean that up but if anyone can...I can.

P.S.  After my most amazing dinner last night I had the most amazing meat free reading time in the bathroom this morning.  I don't want to be graphic...but I was doing my Stayin Alive strut to the bus stop.

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Day 28

Fuck!  Now that I am down to the wire I go and make maybe the best dinner yet.  Green peppers, onion and mushroom on a super fresh bun with cheese.  Was amazing!  I would have loved chicken on it but it was still super great!  I was very impressed with myself since I was the only one here cooking...with my pants off.

I really need to close some windows.  My before bed shower will be a warm one then I will be extra cold on the run to bed.  I am really tired and slightly cranky at my family right now.  Not in the full mood to get into it but I feel invisible in my own family.  I can't help but notice when people want something they see you enough to kiss your ass.  This is how I'm feeling right now.  I think I need to start being more selfish with myself.  There are some kick ass things I want to do but somehow I end up supporting every other "team".  Team Rhonda needs a boost...and some big titty cheerleaders. 

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Day 27

I really need to stop biting my nails.  I have tiny hands (Cory) to begin with and my lack of finger nails makes my tiny hands look even smaller.  Long nails scare me (think about it) and women with the big fake nails really make me laugh sometimes.  Have you ever looked under them? Yellow...after about 3 days they get this dirty look to them.  I have a friend who is very beautiful, however she's this model of too much woman.  Big boobs, tight tops, fake nails, big hair and the high heels that has to carry it all.  This is a woman who put off her divorce for almost a year to get laser hair removal...for her impending dating life.  Brilliant.  Somehow she never seems happy.  Men use her, women friends can't relate to her and no one she works with takes her seriously.  For someone who looks so good in her skin I don't think she's been comfortable in it for years.

That shit was deep.  Day 27 and I'm getting into my deep thoughts about life and being comfortable with yourself.  I wonder if anyone is really comfortable?  I'm not, I'm just old enough to accept that I may never be comfortable or happy in my own skin.  And that is OK.  I was saying to my "sister ish in law" last night that the older I get the happier I am.  That is very true since at this point in my life, I've never been happier.  I'm old enough to appreciate the quiet around my house, clean towels that smell a little like bleach and when a friend makes the time to call me to talk.  I think in your 20's you take things like this for granted...maybe because you think those things will always be there.  I think if you have kids those things may never happen again.

I was a bit bitchy at work today.  I didn't feel like eating anything without meat in it.  Anything that was suggested was shot down in a blaze of glory (get that out of your head Katherine) and I became more and more cranky.  I wanted a BLT with no L or T, then I wanted chicken salad.  Then a burger.  In then end I had a bagel and yogurt.  Homo move but it was all I had at the time for by the time I was done being a full on bitch.  ;-S

Fun fact, the drummer that lived in my basement for over a year got his water shut off so is now showering in his old bathroom in the basement.  Fred seems confused as to why Mom let a man in the house who was not Grandpa.  He knows the score...

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Day 26

It's going to be really short.  Came home to cat vomit and poop. 

I can't wait for the weekend.  For the meat but also to do something fun for thanksgiving.

ARG!  The cat is freaking out.

I wish I was making pussy jokes and not cat talk.

Monday, 3 October 2011

Day 25

Five more days!  Amazing!  I can't wait.  I almost don't know what to do with myself and my thoughts of meat.  What meat to have first?  Bacon I think. 

I have noticed changes this week.  My period was late (sorry guys and Shaun) and do not make anyone vomit, different.  I've cried about nothing more then usual but was thinking this morning that my lack of other animal hormones have made mine a little more excited.  Also, my bathroom time has changed.  More often and less...well...heavy?  Tomorrow I'm taking my own food to my nephews birthday dinner and then I hope to get home at a reasonable time.  I plan on taking rice, brussel sprouts and some turnip.  ;-) You do the math on that.  ;-S  Yes, I fart all the time now.  Almost constantly...well...semi constantly.  I don't recall this many farts on meat.

I don't know what to do when this is done.  Should and keep blogging or maybe pick something new?  What could I do for 30 days next?? 

Sunday, 2 October 2011

Day 24

Shaun, look away.  I got my period today.  Finally.  So that and the cold rainy weather made me a hot mess of lady hormones, cravings and general anger that comes with being a lady.  I wanted a hot meal today...the kind that when you bring the meat out everyone goes "Aww...Wow....Fuck me that looks good!"  I had a bunch of fall veggies and rice...was ok but lacked the wow factor of a big hunk of animal out of the oven.

I also don't have chocolate and am semi glad I'm not working downtown tomorrow.  Sorry Katherine but I can run next door and get chocolate as well as sit in the bathroom and cry about commercials, my toes and crying in general.  Downtown someone always catches me. can look back again. 

Next weekend I'm going to Ikea and have already planned finding out the name of the restaurant in Burlington that grills everything.  I would touch an old man's nut sack for some well done grilled pineapple right now...wrapped in bacon.  I hope that's an option.  My mother makes the best bacon wrapped scallops in the world by the way.  My friend Shane gets them in restaurants and since he has had my mothers about 4 times now he says she does them the best.  I can't stop thinking about bacon today.

Fun fact about me when I'm on my period is that one day a month I'm hot for men.  Not any men or a few men but really attractive manly semi hairy men.  One in particular I would fly to England for!  Shaun and straight girls who like semi hairy men, this would be a good time to open another browser.  The gays got me into this rugby player named Ben Cohen.  I was telling a co worker earlier I would break that shit off.  Today is the day that he and anyone who looked just like him would have an in...if you know what I'm saying.  Weird I know.  It's just for today that I'm like this.  Tomorrow I will be talking about my period, chocolate and moose track ice cream. 

Saturday, 1 October 2011

Day 23

Who am I?  Today I bought a new veggie slicer thing.  I sort of have the same kind that never gets used but this new one is Padero.  I love Paderno, it's my pot addiction.  I have more pieces of Paderno then I can count but yet again today I jumped at the chance to get a new veggie slicer.  I don't know if it's my new life style or the fact that it's Paderno.  Maybe all this semi healthy eating is actually rubbing off on me??

I feel much better about the dog situation from last night.  Fred is more then enough for me at this point and lets be honest, he's a handful.  I don't know if I should warn the new people about his passion for crapping in flower beds and jumping from roof to roof.  It would be a nice surprise for them I guess.  ;-)

Next weekend I get to eat meat.  I don't know what to have first...or at all.  I do honestly feel semi better.  I feel slightly more energetic during the day and my mind is clear in a way it wasn't before.  I can focus more.  Yes, sometimes all I focus on is meat but still.

I was talking to someone today about the Swiss Chalet chicken channel.  I was thinking that I must be doing very good with my lack of meat eating since I have yet to turn that channel on, dim the lights and be alone with myself.  ;-S

Friday, 30 September 2011

Day 22

Wow.  A week to go!  Next weekend I will be eating Turkey...and maybe bacon.

Little sad tonight and not gonna lie.  I had some pudding during an emotional moment or two.  Long story short, this man died and his dog needs a home.  I went yesterday, moved by the story to see the dog who is wonderful.  However he needs more then I can give him.  It's hard to think about that.  Am I willing to give up working late, going out after work or having that freedom?  For a very long time I had Maggie, my previous dog who die last year.  I loved her dearly but there were times when I wish I could have gone out after work and not had to run home. Or run away for a weekend without trying to find a dog sitter.  The last year has been kind of nice that way.  So tonight I had to call and let poor Don down.  I let him know that I felt like I couldn't give the dog what he needs in his last years.  Then I started to think about what kind of life I'm going to have in my last years.  Fuckin deep shit.

So today there was a meeting downstairs and the leftovers were sent up to us.  I was good and had some veggie pasta but I wanted to that that pan of meat lasagna home and make sweet love to it.  In the dark of course.  No one wants to see that. 

Little sad tonight but bleaching helped.

Thursday, 29 September 2011

Day 21

I suck.  I'm getting a dog for the weekend...well, I'm test driving a dog this weekend so I've been busy nesting and trying to clean up.  Not that my house is dirty, it's just messy.  My pants that I don't like to wear are all over the place and there was part of me that really wanted to do a deep clean and paint this weekend.  Not so much now but still, should be good.

Tomorrow everyone is getting Mac Donalds again.  (That's right Shaun!)  I will just have to sniff the smells and hope someone gets me a fountain diet coke with a little extra ice, not to much but more then usual.  That would be nice.  ;-)

Little scared about adding to my family of two but I really hope it goes ok.  PS, Fred was on the kitchen counter and it was not clean.  Friggin cat.  Lets just add to this...arg.

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Day 20

10 more days!

I am very tired and have been putting out a few fires tonight so this will be short.  By fires I mean shaving.

I had egg salad again anyone within 2 miles can smell.

Tomorrow I will blog the shit out of this thing!

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Day 19

Cat on a roof.  That's what I woke up to at 630.  My useless cat was on my roof jumping from my house to the neighbours.  I have no idea where this cat gets his energy.  Wait, maybe it's the can of chicken dinner I opened up for him.  I also got to come home to him trapped in his collar and freaked out.

Today was a good day for food.  Well, there was an issue.  I was running late, you know cat on the roof and all so I got an Egg Mc Muffin.  I asked for no meat.  Just egg and cheese.  Well, I get to work and it has ham on it.  I was so hungry.  I didn't want to cheat so I gave the ham to my co-worker then ate the rest.  Yes I'm sure I hate some ham juice in me (HA! Dirty) but I don't think it was cheating.  Trust me if I was cheating I would be dry humping a hot dog cart while eating ribs waiting for my hot dog to cook.  Wow, that would be good.

I have to tend to my cat...who is still upset.  I'm such a lesbian.

Monday, 26 September 2011

Day 18

My facebook status.  Trying to figure out a way to make sweet love to my new toaster oven.  Greatest purchase of the year! 

Amazing!  I don't know how I lived with the sad little one my mother got me a few years ago.  This beautiful one is clean, a good size and had many settings.  Best 40 dollars I've ever spent.  I reheated part of a squash and it was great!  I added some rice and brussel sprouts and had a real dinner.  There is a special person out there in her warm wool socks who seems to think I could go 30 days without making real food.  I think I kinda did it tonight!  To her I say, see you Thursday!

Today wasn't bad.  I've had a lot of rice today for some reason.  I was going to have beans but beans and brussel sprouts would not go well together.  I pictured my boss having to add to my file "complaint from several co-workers about rancid ass smell at reception causing inability to work or focus on simple tasks."  I don't think they would call an "ass day" instead of a snow day but who knows.  It is social services.

I'm semi starting to worry about my cat.  I wonder if this makes me even more of a lesbian?  Anyway, he doesn't pee in his box in the house.  Tonight he semi tried but seemed a little pissed off at his new litter.  I fear the worst but then think that maybe he just has a huge cat bladder to go with his formerly huge cat nut sacks.  That's fair right?  Will see how he is tomorrow.

I'd kill for a big hot dog right now.

Sunday, 25 September 2011

Day 17

My fridge looks like something out of Vegetarian Times.  It's all healthy food with the exception of a box of Snack Pack puddings I got on sale today.  Suck it!  I just took two different squashes out of the oven and realized that there is hardly any room for them in there.  Should be interesting when they cool and need to go in.  I love wrestling with the fridge.

Today was a fun day.  Well, short nap followed by a trip to Walmart to get blinds for the bedroom.  Right now I have very tacky fabric temp blinds and when I get new neighbours on that side of the house they will be able to see how much I love to walk around naked.  I could just wear clothes but what fun is that??

Dinner tonight...well, I had too much raisin bread followed by two mouth fulls of beans, skittles and then a try at another short nap.  I know, living the friggin dream!  How could I cook something?  Geez.  Tomorrow night I will be sure to bust up some of the wonderful veggies but until then I am eating crunch and munch waiting for Sister Wives.  I do wonder when someone will snap this little lady up!

Saturday, 24 September 2011

Day 16

I had a thought earlier about what I was going to start with but that all changed when I went to take the garbage out.  Some back story...I live across from a church that is just down from this amazing Portuguese restaurant that was my last meal.  So, I open the front door and get a face full of the wonderful smells from the restaurant that I'm sure is working overtime making food for the after church crowd.  I think I might have humped the air a little.  Either way there was a little sadness and sexiness in my walk back into the house.

I got lots of good stuff today, cauliflower, turnips, veggies and some of those tiny cabbage things people hate.  I don't mind them and since my new goal seems to be to make my gas worse and worse each day, this should help.  For dinner, I almost wasn't in the mood to eat so I left it a little late and ended up having beans and potatoes.  Lame!  I know, you would think with all the stuff I got today I would make something wonderful.  Not so much.  Tomorrow for sure!  I plan to kind of cook for the week.

Right now I'm watching the food network.  Mistake today was watching a whole show on bacon.  They have something called bacon salt!  Anything can taste like bacon.  Bacon lip balm!  I know...wrong, yet you kinda want to do it.  I'd kiss that off a homeless man!  Maybe I need to not watch the food network anymore.  I just had a debate with myself about adding "Sex with Lynn Crawford on a butcher block" to my bucket list.  Aside from this not really being in the cards unless I win the lottery, Lynn and I are not getting any younger and butcher block sex would not be ideal for my back.  I'm a realist.

Friday, 23 September 2011

Day 15

I was kind of excited to see that I have made it this far!  I'm so hungry...but less hungry then usual.  Maybe that's some slight improvement.  Sadly tonight I'm busy cleaning and getting ready for the weekend...who doesn't scrub the bathroom floor on a Friday night? 

Tomorrow I'm getting organized with the shopping.  Should be a better blog then.  I've had 2 diet root beers and just burped to T.  I need to call it a night!

I promise tomorrow will be a chilling and in depth blog about my shopping, food and my thoughts and feelings about my gas levels.

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Day 14

Sorry for the delay.  Teen Dad is on.  Thrilling.  I hate to admit I love these shows but honestly the fathers view on lady drama is something lacking.  Sullen boys looking stupidly into the camera really isn't as dramatic as an over tanned she-devil beating the crap out of a 350lb boyfriend.  Sadly I think Amber will someday run this world, just voted in so we don't have to hear her voice daily.  The White House will be pink and spray tans will be law.

Today was a not bad food day.  I tried to be more organized and took the good sweet potato dip for lunch with some veggies.  Most of the office (you know who you ball lickers are) got Mc Donalds.  It smelled good but then I thought about the last time I had a good go of the scoots and felt semi better about my choice of veggies.  Still, I would have sniffed a hand if they let me. 

I don't feel too bad really.  I need to be more organized and for sure I need to get a hair cut.  At some point this weekend I really need to think about making a food plan for the finishing weeks of this challenge.

Oh, last night I talked to a girl I used to work with that I really don't know.  She's a nurse and was in Toronto but moving back to London.  She's quit her job to do some third party marketing health thing...much like the shakes I do.  We talked about my health issues and she now wants to meet to talk about how she can help me.  Great.  She's going to try and fix me.  Chicks.

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Day 13

Chicken Wings.
That is today's thought of the day.  Big ones!

I'm feeling much better today.  I made some great eggs for dinner tonight.  I looked like a professional chopping up onions and green peppers.  I always overcook eggs.  They never look like the semi undercooked eggs on TV or that I got at the Golden Griddle Buffet.  Oh....I'd forgotten about that.  Three days of Health and Safety Training and my lunches were spent hitting that buffet like Chris Brown.  My last day of training  I had lunch with my dear friend who works right by there.  You would think we were related by blood the way we took on that bacon.  She even had one plate with green jello and bacon...bless her.  I'm proud to call her family. 

I love that a woman that I work with messaged me late last night and let me know she was making some veggie lover food for today.  She made a spread of roasted red pepper, eggplant, mushrooms and something else.  It looked scary...but was really great.  I need to get creative like this.  We had a great talk today at lunch how my mind works.  For years I've thought "chicken for dinner, what can I make with that?"  Now I have to think what to make without that the big show stopper. 

I'm trying to be semi ready for work tomorrow with snacks and lunch.  I also have to watch Sons of Anarchy so will see how much I get done. 

Chicken Wings.

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Day 12

I got some flack about missing day 11.  Sorry about that.  Nothing happened.  I finished my adult cough medicine and passed out.  If it matters my pants were not on when this happened.

A few people have been asking why I'm still doing this and even more so why I'm blogging about it.  Well, noticed my love of meat was getting out of hand.  Much like a clingy boyfriend getting no sex in return, I seemed to be spending a lot of time and energy who didn't give anything back besides not great health and BBQ hands.  As for the blog... Everyone is doing it and I just had to conform?  I use to make a ton of time for writing but the last few years I've not given it much thought.  Idea's in my head have just been forgotten rather then written down to explore.  I don't plan on getting to into my personal life either or my personal thoughts and feeling about my life and what is going in my personal life.

So today was not the best.  The cold keeps lingering on and with forgetting lunch I had pizza.  Without meat.  How is that even possible?  I almost choked on ordering it.  However while reading today's metro I learned how many gallons of water it takes to make a pound of beef.  In the future, not my life time but soon enough, everyone will be a veggie eater.  I can kind of see that.  I'd slightly want to have a piece of that last cow...but I see the point.

I know it's only Day 12 but I do see that I need to change the way I eat.  When I'm done at Thanksgiving I really think I will cut way back on meat.  A few times a week rather then a daily or twice a day need.  I don't think I could do this for the rest of my life or anything but the more I actually learn about eating meat free the more I think it could be a good idea.

Sunday, 18 September 2011

Day Ten

Today I tried to pluck a nose hair for over an hour.  I'm becoming my father. 
Tonight will be a short one as I'm sick, tired and a little pissy.  It could be lack of meat, the sickness or my impending period.  I could change the blog  to "Off meat and on my period" but there goes my male readers.  Maybe not. 

I've kicked the cat out early and need to get some sleep before I try and go to work tomorrow.  Lets hope I get better soon so I can come up with some veggie friendly food.

Oh, found a great joke today about Pam Anderson today that really fits!

Pamela Anderson is in the Big Brother house. Apparently she’s vegan, although I’ve seen a video that would suggest otherwise.

Who doesn't love a good joke about Tommy Lee's cock?!?!

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Day Nine

Short one tonight.  Still sick but feeling slightly better.  I wanted to roast something today...ended up reheating rice and veggie pizza.

I am watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, just to figure out why the husband of one of them killed himself.  I think it was because all they do is either plan parties or go to parties.  It's a lot of work for people who's main job is to order people around to take care of their houses.

My Mother, who I love dearly, invited me over tomorrow if I feel better for dinner.  Meat.  She said she would either make a roast beef or a pork roast.  I wanted to punch her in the face.  Lets just say I go over there and just eat veggies.  Lets just say I have that kind of self control.  I'm too soon out of the gate to say No to a woman who makes the best gravy in the world.  My buddy Mike was at her house one day when she was getting rid of week old gravy.  He took it and on our way home he stopped at the supermarket and got a huge bag of fries.  After heating up the gravy and fries he ate every bit of it himself, got the meat sweats and then the scoots.  He still to this day says it was worth it.  Needless to say, tomorrow I will be staying home...with my pants off and meat locked in the freezer downstairs.

Friday, 16 September 2011

Day Eight

Passed the one week mark!  How did that happen?  Sadly today I was thinking about eating shrimp.  Does shrimp have parents?  I made an omelet with shrimp once.  Felt like the morning after staying at a gay mans house but it was wonderful!

Today was not the best day.  Home sick from work with the sore throat that has now moved into my nose.  At 4 am I sneezed out something the size of a large babies fist and it was game over.  I don't sneeze neatly, something always comes out so since I was a kid I have blocked sneezes.  At home alone I let them fly full force into a kleenex.  I can't imagine missing a sneeze at work and having the world look at my snot on my shirt all day. 

I did my usual sick person routine.  I cleaned.  At 630 I knew work was not going to happen, so like any normal person I put in a load of laundry, got out the hoover and bleached the bathroom.  By 8 I was cleaning the kitchen thinking "I should take out a roast or a chicken to cook all day."  This is how deep the meat goes.  Let me clean that up.  This is how much I think about meat.  I'm home, might as well cook something big and time consuming.  I would love to do a big dinner for those people who's family is far away who just want to eat, hang out and watch bad TV.  I'm slowly becoming my mother...

Aside from being home "resting" all day I did manage to make some roasted veggies and take a picture.  Sadly I can't find the cord for the camera to upload.  Balls.  I started with sweet potato, little regular potato, carrots, then added some red onion and close to the end added zucchini and mushrooms.  Was very good.  I hope all these extra veggies make this cold go away.

I have a ton of apples to use up and might figure out how to make some sort of a crisp or something tomorrow.  I'd make a hell of a house wife if this cold kept up.  That and I'd need a lady friend.  Not something that will be happening any time soon since I'm sitting here smelling like vicks in a tight white T-shirt with vicks on my feet.  (Don't judge, someone told me it works.)

Thursday, 15 September 2011

Day Seven

I'm cold, cranky and well on the road to getting my period.  So maybe this is the calm before the storm.  My deep and sexy man voice is in full force and causing me to cough a bit more then usual.  Tonight dinner was yet again not exciting.  I've been busy making notes on a group I have to run next week and need to be better for that.  Usually after this stressful group meets we drive back to London with burgers.  I'm not sure what to do to avoid this...maybe just get fries.

For sure this weekend I will cook and take pictures.  I don't want people thinking I'm sitting in a dark room thinking about meat and writing a blog.  Cause there is more to me then that.  And gas.

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Day Six

I get it’s only day six and all but I have never wanted to suck the meat off a chicken wing so bad in my life.  I actually thought about honey garlic wings, thicker messy sauce not the runny kind that you get sometimes that really doesn’t stick to the wings.  Anyway, I fought the urge to order a pizza again tonight.  It wasn’t so bad but there was some self hate.  My throat is slightly better but I’m now moving on to the sexy dry hack.  Today I coughed and farted at work.  Fairly sure no one was the wiser.  Even if my work mates read this I don’t think it counts unless you actually catch me farting.  Just so you know.

I still feel like I need to cook a big meal.  Normally this would mean a huge hunk of meat surrounded by some seasonal vegetables…but right now I need to get organized and think about cooking up some vegetables tomorrow for dinner.  I can’t live on little things forever that get me around meat.  Also, this cold might go away at some point.  When that happens I don’t want to be rapist hungry and beat some poor co-worker for their lunch.  It’s bad enough I sniffed ones Mc Donald’s breakfast this morning.

PS.  Tonight I had cheese, crackers, rice and a package of Peanut Butter M & M’s that can only be found at the front of Shoppers.  I love them. 
PSS.  My pee smelled like Kraft Dinner today.  That can’t be good.