Gettin my Hygge on

So day two of being home sick from work and I honestly couldn’t think of a better time to have a blog conversation about something I saw on the Facebook that I had no idea I had been practicing since before Christmas.  It’s called Hygge.  Thank you to my new old friend for bringing this term (which I can’t even begin to pronounce) to my life.

Usually before and after Christmas I have a hard time.  It’s not that I hate Christmas but the pressure of what goes with it.  I’ve been told in the past by a friend I might have SAD (lies) but really I just think this time of year is just a time for calm and quiet.  It’s cold so why not stay in more with books, movies, writing and one or two friends.  If you love Jesus then maybe it’s his way of sparing us all from your company and neediness.  Anyway, turns out I think I just catch a bad case of the Hygge! 

“The Danish meaning of hygge

Hygge is as Danish as pork roast and it goes far in illuminating the Danish soul. In essence, hygge means creating a warm atmosphere and enjoying the good things in life with good people. The warm glow of candlelight is hygge. Friends and family – that’s hygge too. There's nothing more hygge than sitting round a table, discussing the big and small things in life. Perhaps hygge explains why the Danes are the happiest people in the world?

Also

"In other languages the word for hygge or coziness is more a physical thing, and hygge is more a mental thing," explains Lotte Hansen, a library science student from Aalborg, Denmark, who's interning at the Museum of Danish America in Elk Horn, Iowa. "It's like a feeling, and it's big at Christmastime. The candles, the food, being with your family."

"It's not only Christmas, though," she adds, noting hygge is a pervasive, year-round spirit. "It's like a mood you have. We can see hygge in many things, in many situations."

Read more: http://www.mnn.com/family/family-activities/blogs/how-hygge-can-help-you-get-through-winter#ixzz3Q2gc8CD0”

I love this!  I love there is a name for how I have been living this last while.  I sat down one day after my last break up and decided to stop being made to feel badly for my introversion but to also make a real effort to get out more to events that interest me and stimulate me in the right ways.  So I went to parties where the only people I knew where the hosts, took myself out to dinner at a place I wanted to eat and made more of an effort to make new friends.  It all worked.  I was happier without an unrealistic expectation. 

I noticed even home alone I was striving to make the house feel more cozy by lighting candles, keeping the lights off or low and if the TV managed to make it on it was the fireplace channel.  This also worked over the holidays with entertaining.  I took a huge breath and let myself be more laid back again.  I read for hours covered in pets forgetting to eat or that company was coming.  Over the two weeks off I lost all track of time, worked on myself and kept pumping out the tea lights.  Even at the hardest points I loved how it felt to be cozy, in my home, back in my mind and body.  I had not felt that way in years. 

My security sweater has been busy this season also.  Only the last two women I’ve dated and my friend Megan have seen me in this monstrosity.  It’s a huge ripped Michael Jordan hoodie worn by I’m guessing a very large gangster.  This thing is three sizes too big on me and I’m not small as we know.  Anyway with the hood and terrible look it feels like a warm hug to me.  When I am sick I wear it to bed with the hood on and somehow I feel better.  I wear it in the house and unless I’m cooking it feels like a soft back rub from someone who cares.  I actually wore it while reading on the sofa one day and used the front pocket to help carry my book.  I later took that book out while on the toilet and continued reading.  That is how awesome this sweater is.  I’m wearing it as I blog and perhaps the sweater is giving me a fancy secret back rub to get me writing again?  Let’s give it this.  

So this warm cozy physical feeling I had been trying for was working big time. Now, what about the hygge in my mind?  That has been flowing also.  I’ve spent quality time with friends, no phones, less technology and made a real effort to connect with myself.  Getting back to listening and speaking to myself kindly has not been an easy task.  All this has however made it easy to connect with others.  I feel like when I am in the company of others now, (even if it is only one other person) I listen more attentively and I speak so much more from the heart.  A friend has noticed how brutally honest I am with myself at times.  I have almost found it unable to hold anything to me that does not bring in some hygge. 

So it’s only the end of January.  Is there more hygge to come when the weather changes?  I think so.  My goal is to work on my yard as soon as spring comes to have a great place for summer BBQ’s, fires and to just sit back and enjoy.  I used to have people over all the time but in the last few years my world got a little too small.  It’s time to hygge and bring back a wonderful attitude of bonding with friends, enjoying nature (a little) and appreciating what wonderful feeling a person can create for themselves out of the cold.  

Picture totally stolen off a hygge article online but I love it. 

I am Not a Left Handed Jew!

Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with your opposite hand? Or have you ever tried to get someone off with that same opposite hand. Not as easy as it sounds. Go give it a shot I'll wait here. 

My point is change is not easy. I have so many examples in my own life I could keep you here for days.  In the past six months I've had a lot of change laid on me. Make ups, break ups, make ups, break ups, health, money, friends, sex and love.  All of it I tried to deal with with my "good" hand. 

But what happens when things don't work out the way you think they will and you realize that "good hand" has done you no favours?  What happens when you realize that "good hand" needs an overhaul?  I'm not suggesting you use both hands to wipe your ass but what I am suggesting is sometimes the other hand might do a better job even though it's super uncomfortable to try.

Before my last relationship I had begun making my life very small. Friends had changed, had kids and in many ways I felt like I didn't fit with anyone anymore. A new friendship evolved into a romantic relationship and I let it take the place of several friendships. Now here I am single again and since Christmas I've made a lot of changes.  I kind of feel like I'm in a perpetual state of using my left hand all the time now. Over the holiday I did probably the equivalent of six months of therapy (for my shitty self esteem) in two weeks. I've explained it to a few people that I feel like all of my insides were pulled out, examined and bleached before being inserted back slightly incorrectly.  Over dramatic? I think so. But I kind of need to gay man it up to prove my point. 

Change is terrifying. I've watched friends stay in terrible relationships for years because they're too afraid to be alone. The unknown of what that will feel like after years with someone, even a shitty someone was too overwhelming.  I don't think I've ever been that afraid of change but I have been guilty of complacency in my life. I put up with people treating me shitty and not changing how I should have been treated.  Now that I'm approaching 40 I don't have the time for that nonsense anymore. I think this might be one of the good points about getting older.

So here I sit at my dining room table trying to make sense of the change I have been through. Feeling so exposed after all that therapy. I almost feel like a person who's been given a new handbook on how all this is supposed to go. However I'm just learning how to read English again and it's in Hebrew.  And I'm not a Jew.  Story of my life really but thus far I've managed to muddle through and truthfully I wouldn't change any of this for the world. All this change has provided me with so much new opportunity. I now have the strength to spend more time out of my introverted shell, I've made amazing wonderful new friends and I've done a few things that need to be vaulted.

I'm happy to report that even though I feel naked, new and very confused at times I don't think I've ever been happier.  I have the full support of a wonderful new friend (who won't let me get up until this blog is finished) and this past year I've made a couple friends who even though they are new to my life, look past my weird quirks and are there for me 100%.  That feels amazing.

So off I go with my left hand free and my right hand still MIA.  I think she needs to stay gone a little while longer...

Diva Cup Shots! Day 1

Well here I am back at the old blogging game.  I’m not fully sure why it’s been so long and we can talk about that another day.  Today is the start of my little series I’d like to call Cheers to the Diva Cup and my very narrow yet perfectly fine vagina. 

So after years of making jokes and being totally grossed out by the Diva Cup I have gone down the road I never thought I would.  First, lets just back up and talk about how this all came to be so you can get the full picture into my feelings about the cup and how the hell I now have one.

So being in social services you hear things about things.  While working at another agency we had a talk about menstruation things and the Diva Cup came up.  I had to google it and was grossed right out.  Mostly because I didn’t even use a tampon until I was 30 thanks to all the emotional shit passed down from my mother.  Thanks mom.  Anyway, I was now use to tampons and then learn about Diva Cups and reusable pads!  WTF.  I felt all this was super gross as in my book you throw all that shit in the garbage and return to the sofa to eat chocolate during that week.  End of story.  Also, due to lack of information, I just pictured having to pull out a cup of blood and with my pants at my ankles toddle out of the stall at work to clean the cup.  Bloody hands and pants as co workers came in to see me in all my glory.  Then came my two phase education.  I had begun listening to a podcast called the Crimson Wave that was hilarious.  Two chicks (feminists…whatever that means these days) who talked to other comedians about periods.  Amazing.  Even if you don’t have a vagina you should listen.  Anyway, so then phase two happened with 3 other work mates (all female) in a work van.  We were talking about periods, as women do constantly btw, and I made a Diva Cup joke.  Then it happened.  “I use a Diva Cup!”  My holy grail!  My unicorn friend!  A real live person I personally know who personally uses a Diva Cup!  Now, when this kind of thing is announced in a van that smells like homeless people the questions begin to fly from all sides.  “Are you crazy?  Does it hurt?  Is it gross?  Do you use it at work?”  So calmly in the parking lot at work my Unicorn explained to us that the Diva Cup can be left in for 12 hours, hadn’t leaked for her and she didn't have to wear a pad to bed.  It all sounded so good.  No more trying to smuggle a mega pad or tampons to the bathroom.  No more trying (usually unsuccessfully) at work to get a tampon in the right spot with one leg of your pants off and foot on the toilet.  Some of us have some extra bumps on the road…just sayin.

Anyway after asking questions for 20 minutes we left the van smelling like homeless people ourselves with a new outlook on life and our lady parts.  Not to mention I was now seeing my friend differently.  She was not a hairy lesbian with picket signs, cats and a vegan diet because “meat refers to eating dick.”  She was a semi normal married mother of two who didn’t like to wear underwear.  What is not to trust really?  So without others around I asked my Unicorn all the questions I could think of.  She was able to answer every question without an angry environmental man hating reason.  This suddenly became something I could possibly get into…me.

So needless to say in the next weeks it was a conversation had many times in the office and privately.  To diva or not to diva.  Then I had sex and remembered that my lagoon of mystery is not made for a large swimmer.  So to speak.  After that I had the odd second thought but ordered my very own Diva Cup from the Amazon.  Despite hearing they are available both at shoppers and the granola homeopathic store.  I will walk through shoppers with two packs of pads and 4 chocolate bars but would rather ride a cotton donkey to work then be seen in public with the big pink Diva Cup box.  I can only imagine playing the inflated price at the granola homeopathic store and having the girl behind the till talk about the universe and how much she loves her Diva Cup.  “The stars and universe told me to use the blood in my plants.  It’s very special to me.”  Lame ass.

So we waited.  Waited for my next period after my Amazon delivery of the Diva Cup.  It was it advised that I do a dry (literally) run before my period which I didn’t do.  If I’m going in then I am going in when it’s needed.  Thanks to my order of the Diva Cup my Amazon is now recommending a selection of cat toys and sad movies.  Thanks Amazon for that.  Anyway, yesterday after an extra long weekend of crying for no reason and cravings it happened.  My night before period anger!  I knew it!  I washed my Diva Cup and put it on the edge of the shower ready for the morning.  Sure enough, after my morning poop I was ready! 

*Now would be the time to stop reading if you don’t want to know about the details of my lagoon of mystery and would like to maintain eye contact with me in the future.*

Welcome back you filthy friend. 

So back to where we were.  After my poop I get in the shower ready to use this thing.  Remembering the directions I make it into a C or a U depending on how you want to be facing it and give it a shot.  Side note of things you should know about me.  My back kills in the morning and I have really short arms.  Even with a leg up I could not bend far enough with my morning back to get into the right spot.  Also all I could here was my Unicorn’s voice saying “you have to relax your vagina.”  Don’t tell me to relax!  Needless to say... I was not relaxed.  So I walked away.  After 2 tries I did what I had to do and left the shower ashamed at my vaginal failure. 

So my day went on as normal.  Period aggression, chocolate cravings and my one day a month unnatural attraction to men.  My back got more limber and by the time I got home from work I had to have a shower.  My new hair cut had made me feel relaxed and ready to wash off all the little bits of hair.  So back in the shower I gave it a shot again.  No success and some serious discomfort which led me to text my nurse friend “how do you know if you still have your hymen?”  In retrospect I should have explained why I was asking. 

So after eating a can of shame food.  (Spaghetti and meat balls and a chocolate bar.)  (Don’t fucking judge me!)  I yet again went to the shower to give it a shot.  I used a very soothing low tone to let my vagina know it was cool to relax, chill out and just be cool.  I should have hummed some Bob Marley.  Anyway, after 3 tries it worked!  Well, it was in and not feeling like I was going to die. 

As I am writing this it has been almost 2 hours.  I have gone for a walk with the dog and thought about twirling.  Thus far we are all good.  I don’t know about the trauma of emptying this thing but as far as I’m concerned I am signing off with a cup in place and the granola lesbian gods smiling down on me. 

Gone too Long

So yes it’s been forever since I have blogged about anything.  What a whore I am?  It’s not like I have anything better to do.  It’s not like you will be getting some big update on some amazing love affair that has swept me away to Europe for months where I have lost 100 lbs eating fresh croissants and making love in fancy hotels.  Trust me.  That has not been happening.

I’m not sure what is up my ass when it comes to sticking to writing out a topic.  I have started many topics from news events, funny situations and some deep thought shit but never seem to finish.  As I write this I don’t know where it’s going.  I don’t really care about anything that much to rant about it so really this could be very short or very confusing.  Either way thanks for sticking it out and coming back to see if I give a shit about anything.

I guess I don’t give a shit about anything.  I’ve noticed this about myself.  I keep laughing at my lack of give a shit when it comes to the gays.  The gay community is starting to look like a swat team of haters.  One person from a company or group says something half shitty about gays and all of a sudden we get in a group like a pack of wolves going after a bunny.  “Don’t eat that pasta, the CEO says gays suck.”  This time of year my mother and I are still not sure if we can go to Trails End because someone who worked there gave a trans person a hard time.  Fairly sure we both want to go before the weather gets to shitty but as a gay will I be given a hard time by other gays?  When do we get to the point where we can say “We cool now?”

I do admire the young gays who have too much time and energy to hop it a car with ready-made signs, a cooler full of snacks and 50 of their closest friends and ex’s ready to voice an opinion on a cold corner.  I’ve never done anything like that.  Years ago I did go to Take Back the Night but it was to get laid.  Sadly I didn’t know the theme of Take Back the Night so needless to say the woman that I was seeing at the time was not in the mood after a night remembering dead women.  Fair.  I see that now.  Then I was a little put off.

This summer I skipped gay pride in favor of napping and working on the house.  Ok, I just napped but in my defense it was hot and I was not in the mood for that many people.  The year before I was forced and didn’t fully mind once I got there.  I guess I didn’t want the half my boob sun burn and full head burn but it did feel good to celebrate my penis in vagina free life with so many people who were fine with that. 

I’m just not a mob mentality person.  If you hate gays then that’s on you.  If the makers of Tim Tams or some other product I loved said “We hate fat lesbians in golf shirts” then I might have an issues but honestly I can separate the product from an over paid douche who runs the company.  Maybe it’s the introvert in me but sometimes the best way to show someone you could care less about their comments is to care less about their comments and more about living a great life without anyone’s approval. 

Hot Dogs, Smoke and Sprinklers

Today is national Hot Dog appreciation day.  I'm guessing only in America since Canada is busy making sure beer and smokes aren't getting over taxed again.  It's how Canada is.  We don't have to have days to celebrate everything.  We just have a hot dog without all the fuss.  I might even bust out some frozen sausage for dinner just because it's that day.  Much like women hot dogs are great in theory but are terrible for you.  That's a joke.  I still like women and have not become more jaded then usual.  Insert happy winky face here.

I don't like to think about what is in a hot dog.  Learning about vegans and all that has put me right off the traditional made with about 400 chemicals.  Now if I need to shove something phallic in my mouth I go to a butcher, that way I know what's in them.  Sunripe has a hot dog with about 7 ingredients so that's something a little better.  I do sometimes get the vegan dogs.  They taste like a finger without a bone in it.

Today 3 clients have come in smelling like they just sit in their clothes and smoke all day in a closet.  I don't know how anyone can sit in an office with the door closed talking to these people.  Good lord.  My area is open and I still smell them like they are on me blowing smoke in my face.  "They" suggest you never smoke before a job interview but I'm starting to think smokers have the smell woven into their clothes.  God knows my wonderful parents smell like they just came from bingo in the 70's some days.  I used to smell like that constantly when I lived at home.  Gack!

It just rained but tonight I am suppose to run the sprinkler at the neighbours.  I'm going to run through it, or sit in it.  Either way a spray of water will go up the leg of my shorts until it reaches my vagina. 

This heat is Bullshit

Anyone else’s wiener dog shit on the bed this week? No just me?  That’s what I thought.  Needless to say I had two loads of laundry done by 7:30 am.  When I asked Norman Earl “Who did this?”  he flipped over and showed me his penis.  I don’t know who that worked on in the past but he is really barking up the wrong tree.  Needless to say someone needs some retraining.  I’ve spoiled him.  I own it.  Either way things are going to have to change. 

I feel oddly unsure of this world right now.  People are leaving dogs and babies in cars every day, 5 people have been hit by busses lately and in Florida it seems to be ok to kill kids (thanks for starting that ball running Casey Anthony.)  I think people are so self absorbed and think nothing will happen to them, that is when accidents and stupidity happen.  Hey, I’ve done some stupid things and luckily didn’t get caught or hurt.  Still, leaving a kid in the car when you run into shoppers for 3 things?  You don’t know how long the line will be.  I don’t care if the kid is sleeping or what.  It’s not right.  Don’t get me started about Dogs.  Leave the pets at home to enjoy the cool air-conditioning.  They don’t need to go to the hot summer festivals or with you to the store.  I love the video of the vet sitting in the car for a half an hour.  People don’t think.  I love that people are getting in the faces of these jerks waiting by the car or breaking windows.  This to me is acceptable. 

The creepy man who is always in a bathing suit a few doors down has been up blaring 80’s music at 6 am every day this week.  Last night he cut the grass in his stained bathing suit and drenched in sweat he felt the need to go up his pant leg and rearrange his man tackle.  Even Norman Earl found this disgusting.  I felt like a lady from the early 1800’s in my floppy hat all Christian perfect judging his public sin.  I guess if I had big hairy balls and a penis that were very sweaty I would want to fix them too.  Still, he had wiener sweat on his hand and went back to touching things.  I would never do that. 

Some of the workers at work took clients to the beach this week.  I’m glad I’m a receptionist.  My body was not made for either the beach nor this heat.  Putting them together does not sound like a fun day at the beach for me.  Literally and figuratively.  I don’t know what I would do if I had to stand with some poor client sweating on the beach for hours.  I’m sure I would fake some sort of car trouble or something along those lines.  When it feels like 45 outside this girl will be inside with her wrestling DVD and playstation.  My friend working in a rehab has managed to fish clients out of a neighboring pool almost every day.  At this point the older couple now calls asking for her letting her know when the clients have come for a swim.  If I didn’t have air I would be trying to break in a yard to swim.  It’s fair.  My Asian neighbors have an above ground pool that is not being used.  That’s right.  Two kids perfect age to be the most popular kids ever and they aren’t able to use the pool.  I think they used it once last year and this year just let it go.  Perhaps it’s a cultural thing or the pool needs help and he doesn’t have anyone to ask what to do.  Either way it’s a waste of a pool and better not be attracting some new kind of diseased bug to bite me. 

Clearly the weather is getting to me.