Friday, 23 January 2015

I am Not a Left Handed Jew!

Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with your opposite hand? Or have you ever tried to get someone off with that same opposite hand. Not as easy as it sounds. Go give it a shot I'll wait here. 

My point is change is not easy. I have so many examples in my own life I could keep you here for days.  In the past six months I've had a lot of change laid on me. Make ups, break ups, make ups, break ups, health, money, friends, sex and love.  All of it I tried to deal with with my "good" hand. 

But what happens when things don't work out the way you think they will and you realize that "good hand" has done you no favours?  What happens when you realize that "good hand" needs an overhaul?  I'm not suggesting you use both hands to wipe your ass but what I am suggesting is sometimes the other hand might do a better job even though it's super uncomfortable to try.

Before my last relationship I had begun making my life very small. Friends had changed, had kids and in many ways I felt like I didn't fit with anyone anymore. A new friendship evolved into a romantic relationship and I let it take the place of several friendships. Now here I am single again and since Christmas I've made a lot of changes.  I kind of feel like I'm in a perpetual state of using my left hand all the time now. Over the holiday I did probably the equivalent of six months of therapy (for my shitty self esteem) in two weeks. I've explained it to a few people that I feel like all of my insides were pulled out, examined and bleached before being inserted back slightly incorrectly.  Over dramatic? I think so. But I kind of need to gay man it up to prove my point. 

Change is terrifying. I've watched friends stay in terrible relationships for years because they're too afraid to be alone. The unknown of what that will feel like after years with someone, even a shitty someone was too overwhelming.  I don't think I've ever been that afraid of change but I have been guilty of complacency in my life. I put up with people treating me shitty and not changing how I should have been treated.  Now that I'm approaching 40 I don't have the time for that nonsense anymore. I think this might be one of the good points about getting older.

So here I sit at my dining room table trying to make sense of the change I have been through. Feeling so exposed after all that therapy. I almost feel like a person who's been given a new handbook on how all this is supposed to go. However I'm just learning how to read English again and it's in Hebrew.  And I'm not a Jew.  Story of my life really but thus far I've managed to muddle through and truthfully I wouldn't change any of this for the world. All this change has provided me with so much new opportunity. I now have the strength to spend more time out of my introverted shell, I've made amazing wonderful new friends and I've done a few things that need to be vaulted.

I'm happy to report that even though I feel naked, new and very confused at times I don't think I've ever been happier.  I have the full support of a wonderful new friend (who won't let me get up until this blog is finished) and this past year I've made a couple friends who even though they are new to my life, look past my weird quirks and are there for me 100%.  That feels amazing.

So off I go with my left hand free and my right hand still MIA.  I think she needs to stay gone a little while longer...

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