You know when something bad happens and it shocks your body? You feel this pain in your chest and try and hold it together. Right now I feel like I’m walking up stairs holding in the biggest messiest shit anyone has ever taken. Can’t walk to fast or you will work it out, can’t go too slow cause people will know what’s up with your ass. I’m covered in sweat trying to breathe and make it to the bathroom in time. It’s not looking good right now at all for that. Why? Period poops. And…I’ve just shit. Shit flowing all over and I can hardly keep up with the flow. This would all be emotionally speaking of course. My pants, if I was wearing any, are free from any fecal matter.
I’ve had a hard go the last few weeks. Emotionally that is. I’m trying to figure out why. My immaturity or lack of ability to deal with my feelings in a non eating, making jokes and crying thus producing enough snot to put any glue company out of business. I don’t think I’ve mentioned that I’m an ugly crier and can make snot in 2.7 seconds. I don’t mean “oh, my nose is running.” I mean full on sinus congestion that would baffle the leading ear, nose and throat experts in the country. It’s not sexy. Fairly sure I should know by now to have that nose spray on hand to avoid the rest of my day being filled with grossness. This would be why I never watch chick flicks with woman I’m interested in.
So today I’ve made the executive decision to stay at home this afternoon, blog out some feelings (without graphics) and turn my frustration into bleaching the shit out of this house. I’m guessing if I stay on track this will be 50 pages and my house will be amazingly clean. I might end up taking a serious turn here and sadly you will be roped into my own processing and therapy. Sorry in advance…maybe alter your snack or get more food. This could be a long one.
Let’s start with a question. When a friendship is literally sucking the life out of you, what do you do? Do you wait it out and see if things change or do you say “Nice working with you” and move on. Right now I’m sticking with the first one. Why? Well, despite being sucked so dry I’m moisturizing twice a day the friend in need is in a crisis of their own. I feel like despite my feelings of total neglect and being used that I would be leaving a sinking ship with people yelling for help on it. Or like when a spouse is diagnosed with a terrible illness and the other person says “Yeah, didn’t sign up for this…so I’m gonna go.” If we knew that person we would all hate that person. Then again have we all known the opposite?? “I don’t know how they stick it out; they are so brave and wonderful. I couldn’t do it.” Who hasn’t said “I couldn’t do it” a 1000 times? Well, in this case I’ve done it and I don’t see a fucking medal. No parade with costumes, candy and BBQ at the end. Nothing. Wait…that’s not true. I’ve had a lot of great memories and moments…but when you’re exhausted who can see that. You need time to remember why you were there to begin with. Sadly, I don’t think I can ask for that time. I may just have to be the coward and bow out for a bit.
The older I get the more I realize that you create your own life and the people you want in it. We are stuck with family but the rest of the people are open season. I have people in my life, wonderful friends who I wouldn’t know what to do without at times. These are not those people and have not been for some time.
Can I just say that while I was writing this and having a pity party I got a sign from baby Jesus himself?? So, I’m down in the dumps when I had the opportunity on the Twitter to have…wait for it…Jann Arden follow me. I took it and now…wait for it…Jann Arden is following this snot filled bitch on twitter! I will have to step up the jokes and funny lines. This is a sign that when life hands you fucked up bitches, there is always a Canadian Singer waiting to follow you on Twitter!
This post is bi-polar and I love it.