Sunday, 22 July 2012

Self Pleasure

So yesterday I wrote about self control.  Today I was reminded of a fun fact I saw on the Twitter.  It mentioned that women in their 40’s masturbate more then any other female age range.  This caused me to make a joke about saving my money to go down to part time at work in a few years to accommodate all my new masturbation. 

Before you think I’m going to fully chat about my masturbatory skills in detail let me just say I do believe in the old saying  that “Masturbation and peeing in a pool are the two things we all do but don’t talk about.”  I did hear a fact that there are people out there who actually do not flick the bean at all.  I’m guessing they are the very rude people who work in retail that hate everyone.  Maybe they are also those weirdo people who actually think that it’s up to another person to make them happy in every aspect of their lives.  Trust me, there are people out there who believe if they are not totally made happy by someone constantly in every way, they must not be the right person.  Fuck off. 

In writing this I feel responsible to not put out incorrect information so I googled Health Benefits of Masturbation.  All the articles are for men.  No offense but one guy reads my blog and he’s smart enough to google what cleaning his pipes can do for him.  So, after searching specifically for women I found an article with some good facts.  Ladies and gay guy.  Prepare to learn something about lady vagina health.

  1.  Masturbation helps prevent cervical infections and helps relieve urinary tract infections. So apparently if you clean out the lady pipes on a regular basis you can help prevent lady town infections.  I can see that.  Also, cleaning out the pipes is important.  After saying that I picture a clogged sink.
  2. Masturbation is associated with improved cardiovascular health and lower risk of type-2 diabetes.  I was about to call bullshit on this one.  If this were true and I knew about it before my last blood test before I was informed of my Beats, I would have been flicking the bean for days before hand.  Sadly, now that I’ve thought about it...perhaps I should step up my game.  My alone game that is.  I’m guessing it could also lower my cholesterol as well.  So, that’s something too.
  3. ·  Masturbation can help work against insomnia naturally, through hormonal and tension release.   This really should be the first one.  Who hasn’t been stuck awake at night thinking about the stressful day, you get up, watch a bad movie, have a bowl of mini wheat’s and facebook creep an ex who you found out is getting married this September 10 years after you were the first girl she experimented with.  It’s not me doing that.  I can’t eat mini wheat’s anymore.  Anyway, why not just skip all those steps, open the spank bank and have a talk with the man in the boat?  Also, who hasn’t had a stressful day at work?  You could go for a walk or to the gym, maybe vent with some friends.  Or you could once again open up the spank bank and take out that frustration on the man in the boat.  If by this point you don’t get that the man in the boat is your clitoris you might need to stop reading now and call it a night.  I have had a friend or two over the years ask me why I’m so good natured and calm when they are intense and angry.  See number 3.
  4. ·  Orgasm increases pelvic floor strength. There are people who are reading this who have yet to hit that wonderful lady time when you choose not to sneeze, cough or laugh just in case you spritz.  Trust me, at some point this will happen to you and if you manage to kick out a few pups or have an issue it will happen often.  Keeping those muscles tight is important for as long as you can.  I am not saying get those creepy ball things they sell at sex parties that look like huge marbles.  Crocks.  HA!  I picture people using them during the day at work and then sneezing and blowing one out a pant leg.  Sorry.  Anyway.  This is important. 
Also this article talks about the touchie feelings that go with pipe cleaning.  I believe they call it emotional benefits.  I guess we should discuss the emotions or lack there of that can happen when you self love yourself.

  1.  ·  Relieves stress and improves mood.  No shit. We did cover this earlier but aside from the physical there is the letting go that can happen when the bean has been flicked.  Rather than just letting go, sometimes you need a little help.  Also, how can you not cut some of a shitty mood after you have an orgasm?  I’m semi thinking the horny boyfriend with the bitchy girlfriend might have a good point.  Give in ladies.  He could be right. She writes that masturbation can help relieve emotional stress by taking time for ourselves, amidst the demands of home, family, and work.
  2. Strengthens our relationship with ourselves. Well, I have been saying since my lady course that I need to take better care of myself and put myself first.  If this has something to do with that I missed that week in my Women helping Women course.  And I would have been up for it.  Just sayin.  So, when we do our thing we nurture ourselves on emotional and physical levels.  This apparently causes us to gain confidence and grow through self-awareness.  I don’t know about confidence.  Being a great masturbator is not something I will be bragging about in the lunch room.  However, being in charge of yourself in any way is a great step to fulfillment.
  3. Strengthens sexual relationship with partner.  I can’t tell you how many of my straight in relationship at some point or married lady friend have told me stories of catching Mr. Wonderful spanking the monkey off either into a good hand towel or using all their expensive conditioner to beat off in the shower.  So clearly Dudes have a higher drive then ladies.  But I have also had a few stories of ladies who...needed the job done right.  Before or during a relationship it’s important to know what you like.  So many women will just let some Dude or woman for that matter plod around down in lady town without any direction.  You try and hook up a TV, VCR, DVD, game system and surround sound with no help or instruction.  I rest my case on that shit.  Tell the person you are stoomping what you want and need.  Don’t waste time letting them find the key to that cat box.
  4. Fantasy and a break from real life.  When you spend the day working in a busy stressful environment sometimes you want to come home and picture a half nude Terri Clark bent over a pool table telling you how great you are. put that image in the spank bank.  The spank bank is a great tool.  Mine is full of movie images, things I have written over the years and some not so bad street boobs.  Why not? Sometimes, you need an escape for how ever long, and as long as you are not a total pervert or hurting anyone then spend a little time organizing those files in the spank bank. 
So, in closing those are my thoughts on why people should chill out and be ok with cleaning out pipes, flicking the bean and having some time in the spank bank.  I have to work with a lot of people and it would help if they were in good moods.  No, I’m not naming names.  You know who you are!  I expect good moods all week after this blog.

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