Self Control

So since getting The Beats I’ve done my best to avoid any sort of food that I would have loved before.  I might have stood over a coworkers pizza on Tuesday sniffing it and mentally making love to it.  Another day everyone got Mc Donalds and I stood in the middle of the room sniffing the air and dreaming slightly about an apple pie.  There was a moment I would have taken a fry from anyone in that room, even if I had to fish it out of their mouths myself.  I however was good.  I felt good for most of the week getting all the crap out of my system.  I did have subway Friday and “meat”.  Tuna didn’t do much for me and left me feeling...gassy.  I do fart quite a fair bit but the meat in my system seemed to help my usual gas get a little more help.

I think I’m good so far because I’ve yet to hit my period.  Will see how that week goes.  I guess I will have to watch myself and any chocolate in the building.  I also crave bread...mostly pizza when I am on my period.  I don’t know if it’s even possible for me to have pizza at this point.  That just made me think of garlic bread.  Yes, I mentally just had sex with garlic bread with cheese.    Maybe a little bacon.  This is a far cry from the dinner I had tonight.  Broccoli, kale, brown rice and the 4^th best cob of sweet corn I think I have ever had.  It was a good dinner.  Not the type of meal I would have had before but I’m slowly realizing that it’s going to be the way I am going to be eating for the rest of my life.  I need to get a little more inventive but as an eternal rebel following a recipe is against my nature.

It’s funny.  I think about trying to maintain a little food self control and realize that in the past months I’ve had exceptional self control not falling back into old patterns with old friends.  I’ve been adamant not to be sucked back into things that did not serve me well at all.  As hard and painful as that has been, I now see a lot of the good that has come out of my choice to change my focus.  I have made great new friends, old positive friends have drifted back and most of all, I have learned more about myself. 

Today I gave serious thought to heading to the store for ice cream.  I really wanted some ice cream.  But that would have started me back to going down a road that would have left me feeling gross for most of the weekend, thus needing more ice cream.  Maybe some peanut butter cups.  Cause that has clearly worked for me in the past.  I find myself trying to draw some similarities between my issues with food and times that I have been stuck in bad relationships.  The only thing I can think of is that in the past, I wasn’t willing to learn the tools that were left for me. 

I know at some point I will crack and cheat.  But I won’t give up.