Friday, 4 May 2012

Mother's Day

Mothers day is about a week away.  What have I done for it?  I ordered my mother 50 Shades of Grey.  Light porn reading for the middle aged woman.  I'm rethinking this...who gets their mom straight lady porn?  I'm not great with the gifts, never have been but this could go over either really well, or I will have to explain half the sex in the book.  Maybe more.  Sadly, I had to admit to my mother a few years back that I lied to her about a little something. 

Lets back track about 15 years ago.  I mustered the sly courage to tell my mother that I was gay.  In her heartbroken rambling she asked if I had ever been with a man.  I lied and said two.  Seemed like a good number that didn't make me a slut yet would show that I tried and keep me out of some sort of Jesus Camp.  We are not full on Jesus lovers but I'm sure in that moment Debbie would have prayed to just about anyone or anything to get this girl on the pole.  In my Mothers defense, she didn't want me to be treated any different or for me to struggle in the world. 

15 years later and despite a few common Mother / Daughter issues and struggles, Debbie has accepted that this dog is not going to hunt up a bone.  She really just wants me to be happy and not die alone with this cat covered in chocolate frosting.  I think that is what all our Mothers want.  Even if no one will ever be perfect, even ourselves.

As I've gotten older, I've prided myself with driving my mother crazy with more adult problems and frustrations.  Lets list them.
  •  Not doing my taxes for years at a time.
  • Going MIA for two days because I was busy having sex with my girlfriend.  (Thus causing my Mother to call my close friend and quizzing her as to the last contact she had with me.)
  • Not eating meat.  (This was about the time when I got a bad cold.  Her response was "Well for christ sake, when you were under my care and ate meat you didn't get sick.  But what do I know."
  • Buying a house without her approval that had a dishwasher.  She would not get a dishwasher of her own for another year.
  • Checking out girls in public then saying "NICE" a little too loud.
 I'm guessing I do half this stuff just to give her a hard time.  I was a breeze as a tween and teen.  She really needs some sort of a payback right?  Either way I think I'm doing OK as a daughter.  I couldn't ask for a better Mother.

I guess what I'm trying to say is when you purchase your mother an adult book with spankings and such there might be questions.  If your Mother has no questions, I'm even more scared for you.

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