Thursday, 4 April 2013

Fear and Disconnect

I don’t know what’s up with me these days.  I’ve not blogged in far too long.  Long enough that off hand I can’t remember what I last blogged about.  So I think that’s a bad sign and who knows how long it will be until I loose this blog for lack of giving a fuck.  Not the case but still.  You get my point.

After the super long weekend I’ve really felt like doing nothing at all.  I’m oddly tired and am uber protective of my time.  I’ve been invited out several times but have said no.  After working till 5 and rushing home to let the dog out I really don’t feel like doing anything with anyone.  Even people I like.  I don’t know if it’s just still getting use to working or a little realisation of time.  After another birthday I seem to have realised that time is short and if I want to do nothing after work with my dog  I’m going to do it.  I do have plans this weekend so will see how that goes.  I’m more then sure this is one of my weird phases…shocking that I have those but it’s true.

I’m excited to be going out with my sarcastically smart friends for a battle of the minds.  It’s needed.  Not that all my friends are smart but every friendship is built on something different.  Meat, sharing books, sharing secrets, sharing Capri’s.  Whatever.  Needless to say a battle of the minds is very needed for me right now.  I’ve shut mine off for a while and it’s more then time it comes back on.

Maybe I’m getting stupider?  I’ve been playing video games, not writing and watching too many reality shows.  At work I listen to Fresh FM which plays party songs and Pink every 20 minutes.  I like Pink but they play the same stuff all day everyday…3 times a day.  I can’t really do books on tape here.  Maybe I should switch to CBC?  I miss being as smart as I used to be.  Honestly I was very up on things going on in the world.  Now if it’s not on facebook I don’t know about it.  Who am I?  Some 15 year old girl who doesn’t believe life happens unless it’s updated on facebook?  I hate people who go anywhere and have to spend the entire time they are at an even uploading pictures.  Jesus!  Enjoy the event and update after.  I’ve basically made a vow that if I am out with anyone and they start checking their phone and texting that I will promptly go about my business elsewhere.  I think that’s fair.   

So I just realised right now I feel disconnected from life.  Or I’ve connected to other parts of my life more then usual?  Who knows.  All I know is that I’m just not in the mood for anything or anyone really and its not personal.  I’m almost glad my dating life is not very serious right now or I’m guessing it would be non existent!  Lucky for me not much is expected out of me right now…so that works for me.  I do tend to be known for keeping to myself but now it’s just part of who I am.  Sometimes I almost feel badly for my family who never gets to see me but not really.  I don’t think I would trade the peace I feel for anything. 

I do keep getting pushed by people I’ve just met to do stand up.  Maybe it’s something new or age but it’s almost scaring me more then it use to, or I’m just in a place where I feel it more?  A friend who has had some major life changes in the last year is on a mission to do things that scare her this year.  She’s done more then one thing that normally she would never do.  I’m oddly proud of this for her.  We should all do more things that scare us.  Even me.  I have done many things when I was younger that scare me…I’d list them but it almost feels too personal.  I often feel that I can’t escape doing stand up at some point.  I get huge hints and pushes to it all the time but as anyone could imagine standing on a stage being judged is terrifying.  

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