Last night a friend and I stayed up late playing a war game on the PlayStation. She didn't fully get the attraction until she started playing and like me tuned right out. I don't think teens should be playing these games at all due to the violence but I have to say adults seem to find real relaxation in checking out. You don't have to talk about anything deep or think really. It's almost liberating. Right now I've given up the Western game in replace of a war game. I even downloaded a WW2 update! It's very hard but I love the historical aspect of it.
Now that I have tuned out and have my comfort food (I'm sipping on hot tomato soup from a mug and it's heavenly) I have opted to do a bit more with my time off then volunteer, read, hang out with unemployed friends, babysit (loved it) and clean the house I've decided to re-do one of my favourite Buddhist work books ever.
I know some of you think how can someone who loves dick jokes and titty humour think they are all zen? I am not at all saying I'm an amazing Buddhist who meditates 3 times a day and treats everyone like a baby bird. I take what works for me out of teachings. Several years ago I feel in love with Cheri Huber, the writer of the workbook and many other Buddhist books that dumb it down and make you think. Kind of books for the rest of us. I've collected several of them and refuse to loan them out to anyone I've not known for a minimum of 5 years. I'm fucking serious. Anyway, a few years back when I got the workbook basically because it was a Huber book. I looked at the first pages and saw the questions and put it away with the collection. Why? The book was asking me to look at myself and I wasn't ready to do that. At all. I really don't care how cool, new age, zen or free spirited you think you are but when you pick something negative about yourself and examine it you want to close the book too. It takes a lot to really look at yourself. I'm fairly happy with myself but the last time I did the work book I really had some honestly moments.
Now, I'm not saying I was fixed or am the best person in the world. But one thing I try to do is be honest about my feelings. This combined with my trying to be more assertive has had it's moments of going well and well....sucking large. Sometimes it seems as a woman when I am honest it goes one of two ways. I'm either a bitch and heartless or someone tries to talk me out of my feelings. I love that. Apparently I'm this big passive teddy and a little "it's ok, give it time, are you sure, just think about it?" is going to make me completely change my feelings? To tell you the truth...the passive part of me has let this happen. I know. We have all done it. I've done it to a fault over the years. You don't want to upset or hurt anyone so you agree or back down. In the end you only hurt them and yourself more. Then you become a bitch. HA! Life is fun that way.
Anyway, I'm more perfect then I was when I first did this book so will see how my issues and views have changed. I do enjoy learning about myself and figuring out why I do what I do. I am fairly sure there are some people out there who would love the answers too. I think looking at yourself is a wonderful exhausting thing. Let me be clear that looking at yourself doesn't involve other people. I learned that the hard way. "But he hurt me!" Looking at who did what to you isn't going to get you any more enlightened. In fact you will be stuck asking why they did something to you for the rest of your life with that shit sucking attitude. I felt wronged for a long time then finally I took a long look at myself and said "What about me thought it was ok to accept that for as long as I did?" Everyone wants to blame someone else for their feelings these days. I know...I'm ranting but come on.
Anyway, so today I will pick out a fresh journal from my stock pile of journals and start my workbook. Maybe I will toss some Tony Robbins in there and become a millionaire over night.
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